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The- New- 




other-traveMies- 




THE 



New Shakspeare 



AND 



OTHER TRAYESTIES. 



/BY 

R W. CRISWELL. 



A^- 

THIRD EDITION. L^^ tJUf^ '^ 



^f^ WASHlt^^ 



NEW YORK: 

THE AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, 

Publishers' Agents, 

1882. 



%,%'^'^ 



"^h^ 



Copyright 1882, 
By R. W. CRISWELL, 



S. W. GREEN'S SON, 

Printer, Electrotyper, and Binder, 

74 and 76 Beekman Street, 

NEW YORK. 



co:ntei^ts. 



I. 

THE NEW SHAKSPEARE. 

PAGE 

Mark Antony's Address over Caesar 9 

Othello's Apology. 12 

Extract from the New King Henry IV 16 

Imagination » 19 

Gratitude in an Old Servant 21 

Hotspur's Description of a Fop 22 

Marriage 24 

Shylock to Antonio 25 

Brutus on the Death of Caesar 27 

Eomeo's Apothecary 28 

Macbeth to the Dagger 30 

Falstaff to the Bartender 31 

Soliloquy of Richard IH. 33 

Cassius against Caesar 35 

Henry Y. to his Soldiers 38 

Madness Occasioned by Poison 40 



4 CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

KiDg Lear Defying the Storm 41 

Wolsey to Cromwell 43 

Hamlet to the Players 45 

Cleopatra^s Barge 47 

Henry Y. to the Herald 48 

Gloster's Soliloquy 50 

Clarence to the Landlord. , 53 

The Power of Music 54 

The Ghost to Hamlet 56 

King Henry's Entry into London 57 

Hotspur's Impatience for the Battle 59 

Romeo at the Grave of Juliet. ... 60 

The Course of True Love 62 

Ghost Scene from the New Julius Caesar 64 

Portia's Picture 66 

The Power of Love 68 

Petruchio on Apparel. 70 

Conspirators Plotting against Caesar , . 73 

Brutus Meditating the Death of Caesar 76 

Exciting Scene from Julius Caesar 80 

New Definition of Love , 83 

Brutus Receiving Cassius 84 

At the Grave of Ophelia 88 

Hamlet and Laertes 93 



CONTENTS. 5 

PAGE 

Cleopatra and the Asp 97 

Extract from the New Romeo and Juliet 99 

Romeo and Juliet 101 

Romeo and the Apothecary 103 

The Fate of Polonius 105 

Seven Ages of Man 107 

Othello and Desdemona 110 

II. 

MISCELLANEOUS. 

Catiline's Defiance 113 

Rienzi's Address to the Romans 116 

Scene from Richelieu 119 

A Sabbath Morn in the Country 121 

Tell's Remarks to the Mountains. 123 

Night Soliloquy from Byron 125 

Byron in Venice 126 

Scene from Enoch Arden 128 

A New Ginevra. , 132 

III. 
THE NEW INFERNO. 

Punishment of Hypocrites 137 

The Monster Geryon 142 



6 COKTENTS. 

PAGE 

Charon 146 

The Lawyer and the Book- Agent 148 

Serpents of the Inferno 150 

An Inferno Forest 153 

A Thrilling Episode 156 

Dante Recognizes a Friend 158 

Satan's Soliloquy 160 



THE NEW SHAKSPEARE. 



J 



'^ Look, Lucius, here's the book I sought for 
so; 

I PUT IT IN the pocket OF MY GOWK." 

Julius CcesaVy Act IV. Sc, 3. 



MAKK ANTONY'S ORATION OVER C^SAR. 

Friends, Romans, countrymen ! Lend me your ears ; 

I will return them next Saturday. I come 

To bury Caesar, because the times are hard 

And his folks can't afford to hire an undertaker. 

The eyil that men do lives after them, 

In the shape of progeny, who reap the 

Benefit of their life insurance. 

So let it be with the deceased. 

Brutus hath told you Caesar was ambitious. 

What does Brutus know about it ? 

It is none of his funeral. Would that it were! 

Here under leave of you I come to 

Make a speech at Caesar's funeral. 

He was my friend, faithful and just to me; 

He loaned me $5 once when I was in a pinch, 

And signed my petition for a post-ofl5ce. 

But Brutus says he was ambitious. • 

Brutus should wipe off his chin. 

Caesar hath brought many captives home to Rome 



10 MARK AKTONY'S 

Who broke rock on the streets until their ransoms 

Did the general coffers fill. 

When that the poor hath cried, CaBsar hath wept. 

Because it didn't cost anything 

And made him solid with the masses. [Cheers. 

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff, 

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious. 

Brutus is a liar, and I can prove it. 

You all did see that on the Lupercal 

I thrice presented, him a kingly crown 

Which he did thrice refuse, because it did not fit 
him quite. 

Was this ambition? Yet Brutus says he was am- 
bitious. 

Brutus is not only the biggest liar in the country. 

But he is a horse-thief of the deepest dye. 

[Applause. 

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. 

[Laughter. 

You all do know this ulster. 

I remember the first time ever Caesar put it on; 

It was on a summer's evening in his tent, 

With the thermometer registering 90° in the shade; 

But it was an ulster to be proud of, 

And cost him $3 at Marcaius Swartzmeyer's, 



ORATION OVER C^SAR. 11 

Corner of Broad and Ferry streets, sign of the red 

flag. 
Old Swartz wanted $40 for it, 
But finally came down to $3, because it was Caesar. 
Look! in this place ran Cassins' dagger through; 
Through this the son of a gun of a Brutus stabbed. 
And, when he plucked his cursed steel away. 
Good gracious! how the blood of Caesar followed it! 
[Cheers, mid cries of '^ Give us something on 
the Chinese BiUT ''Hit him againr etc. 
I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts. 
I am no thief as Brutus is. 
Brutus has a monopoly in all that business. 
And if he had his deserts he would be 
In the penitentiary, and don't you forget it. 
Kind friends, sweet friends, I do not wish to stir 

you up 
To such a sudden flood of mutiny, 
And as it looks like rain, 
The pall-bearers will please place the coffin in the 

hearse. 
And we will proceed to bury Caesar, 
Not to praise him. 



OTHELLO'S APOLOGY. 

Most potent, grave and reverend seignors, 

That I have ta'en away this old man's daughter 

Is most true; true, I have married her, 

As I can prove by the officiating clergyman 

Who is a justice of the peace down in Herkimer. 

By your patience 

I will a plain, unvarnished tale deliver 

Of my whole course of love; what drugs, what 

charms, 
What conjuration, and what mighty magic — 
For such proceedings I am charged withal— r 
I won his daughter with. 
Her father loved me; not a continental 
Did I care for the old man's love. 
But I pretended to reciprocate his affection, 
And in this way did I make myself 
A veryMuldoon with him in solidity. 
He oft invited mo to tell the story of my life, 
From year to year, tlie baitlcs, sieges, fortunes. 



Othello's apology. 13 

Etcetera and so forth and so on, 
With which I had been stuffing him. 
I ran it through e'en from my boyish days, 
And you can bet your sweet lives 
That I spread it on pretty thick; 
I spoke of most disastrous chances, 
But did not stop to say they were with 
A confounded constable who wanted me 
For the small offence of jumping a board bill; 
Of moving accidents by flood and field; 
Of hairbreadth 'scapes in the imminent deadly breach, 
Or some other place that I had read of ; 
Of being taken by the insolent foe 
And sold to slavery; of my redemption thence. 
And with it all my travel's history. 
Omitting that part when I was introducing 
The North American Corn and Bunion Eradicator, 
Warranted to remove corns and bunions 
Without pain or loss of blood. 
All these did the old gent swallow, 
And to hear which would Desdemona seriously in- 
cline; 
But still the house affairs would draw her thence, 
Although in this I now suspect my Desdemona 
Did dissemble, for since we married are 



14 Othello's apology. 

I find she can no more a flap-jack bake 

Than I can cope with Hercules. 

Anon she'd come again, and with a greedy ear 

Devour up my discourse; and free 

Am I to swear that her's was the 

Nicest ear in town, and ofttimes did I wish 

I might in turn devour it. 

One day the gentle maid with earnest heart requested 

That I would all my pilgrimage dilate 

Whereof parcels she had something heard, 

But not distinctly. 

This was great leather, and all at once 

I did consent. 

My story was immense, 

And it took me four nights a week, 

For three years, to tell it. 

When at length the tale was done, 

She gave me for my pains a world of sighs. 

She swore in faith ^twas strange, 'twas passing 

strange; 
'Twas pitiful; 'twas wondrous pitiful. 
And laid over anything she had ever heard before 
By a large majority. 

She wished she had not heard it ; yet she wished 
That heaven had made her such a man. 



OTHELLO'S APOLOGY. 15 

She thanked me, 

And bade me, if I had a friend that loved her 

I should but teach him how to tell .my story. 

And that would woo her. 

This was a complete give away; 

That is to say, tumbled did I to the racket- 

And we were wed forthwith. 

So there's the long and short of it. 



EXTRACT FROM THE NEW KING HENRY IV. 

Wariuick. Not so much noise, my lads; 

Sweet prince, speak low; 

The king, your father, is disposed to sleep. 

And if he should be disturbed in his rest 

Some of us would lose our job at once. 

Clarence. Let us withdraw into the other room 

Where we can have a French-four 

While sleeps his majesty, the king. 

Warwick, WilFt please your grace to go along with 

us? 
Prince Henry. No; I will sit and watch here by the 

king. 

\Exit all lilt Prince Henry. 
Why doth the crown lie here upon his pillow? 
It seemeth to me it would have been 
Safer had he locked it up in the safe. 
polish'd perturbation! golden care! 
That keep'st the ports of slumber open wide 
To many a watchful night, come and see me! 
Thou hast the rins: of the true metal, 



EXTRACT FROM THE KEW KIKG HEKRY IV. 17 

And I would not wonder had'st thou 

Cost the king seventy-five or eighty dollars 

At wholesale rates. Therefore, polish'd 

Perturbation, golden care, I wouldn't 

Mind to know thee a little closer! 

The king sleeps with it now, 

Yet not so sound, and half so deeply sweet 

As he, whose brow with homely muslin bound 

Snores out the watch of night, 

Nor appears to care a cuss 

AVhether school keeps or not. 

No doubt, it is my duty to remove 

Hence the afore-mentioned polish'd perturbation. 

By his gates of breath, stuck fast in his 

Mustache, lies a downy feather which stirs not. 

'Tis a bad sign. This sleep is sound, indeed, 

And methinks it is the sleep that 

From the golden rigol hath divorced 

So many English kings, and it seemeth 

As if the Governor had pass'd in his checks indeed! 

Thy due from me is tears and heavy sorrows. 

Which I will proceed to pay in full. 

My due from thee, is this imperial crown. 

Which, I have a notion, will fit me 



18 EXTRACT FROM THE NEW KING HENRY IV. 

Quite as well as if I had been measured 
For it. Lo here it sits — 

Inputting it on his head. 
Which heaven shall guard, and put the world's 
Whole strength into one giant arm, it shall 
Not force this lineal honor from me! 
Good evening. 

'lExit. 
King Henry. Warwick! Gloster! Clarence! 

Re-enter Warwick and the rest, 
Clarence. Doth the King call? Doth the 
King desire to take another dose of 
Jones' Liver Eegulator — or what? 
King Henry. Where is the crown? Who took it 

from -my pillow? 
Warioich. When we withdrew, my liege, 
We left the prince with thee, who 
Undertook to sit and watch. 
King Henry. The prince hath ta'en it hence; 
Go seek him out, and take him 
Around to the woodshed. I'll be with you straight. 
Or as soon as I can get into my clothes; 
Fetch hither a tug-strap from the stable. 
And if I don't take the ambition 
Out of that boy I don't want a cent! 



IMAGINATION. 

The lunatic, the lover, the politician 

And the poet, are of imagination all compact. 

One sees more deyils than could stand 

On a ten-acre lot: that's the madman. 

The lover, all as frantic, and in every way 
As eligible for a place in the 
Lunatic asylum, sees Phoebe's beauty 
In a brow of Egypt, hears her voice 
In the wind that blows from the 
Oil refineries on Hunter's Point, 
That gives other men the yellow fever. 
And swears he could drink his champagne 
From her shoe. 

The politician casts the horoscope 
Over the field, and sees where his party 
Will have enormous gains, but does not 



30 IMAGINATION. 

Discover until after the election that he was 
Looking into th6 wrong end of the machine. 

The poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, 

Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth 

To heaven, thence to the rhyming dictionary; 

And as imagination bodies forth 

The forms of things unknown, the poet's pen 

Turns them to shapes, and gives to airy nothing 

A local habitation and a name; 

Then he takes it around to the editor. 

Says he scratched it off in a hurry, 

But that it will do to fill up. 

And gets kicked down stairs for his pains. 



GRATITUDE IN AN OLD SERVANT. 

I have five hundred crowns, 

The thrifty hire I saved under your father. 

At seventy-five cents a months which I did 

Store away in an old stocking, for use 

In my old age. Here are the ding-bats. 

All this I give you, at a lower interest 

Than you can get it elsewhere in town. 

Let me be your servant; though I look ola, 

Being prematurely bald and toothless 

From faithful service, yet I am strong 

And lusty, for in my youth I never did apply 

Hot and rebellious liquors to my blood, 

But confined myself to gin and sugar. 

Therefore my age is as a lusty winter, 

Frosty, being entirely out of hair-dye; 

But kindly. Let me go with you, 

I'll do the service of a younger man 

In all your business and necessities. 

And all for my board and clothes 

And an occasional pull at the family jug. 



HOTSPUR'S DESCRIPTION OF A FOP. 

My liege, I did deny no prisoners; 

But I remember, when the fight was done, 

When I was dry with rage and extreme toil, 

And nothing stronger than rain-water 

Within forty miles, came there a certain lord, 

Trimly dressed, nobby, in fact, with a cutaway coat. 

Flashy neck-tie, and pants louder than the 

Band wagon of a circus, including the band; 

He was fresh as a bridegroom. 

To speak truly, he was a trifle too fresh. 

His chin, which I advised him to wipe off. 

Was newly reaped, and showed like 

Stubble-land at harvest-time. 

He was scented like ice-cream 

At a church fair — with vanilla, musk, 

Kose-water, cologne, hair-oil, etcetra. 

And I cannot pretend to say what else. 

Twixt his finger and his thumb he held 

A pouncet-box (see Webster's Unabridged) 



hotspur's DESCRIPTIOlSr OF A FOP. 23 

Which, ever and anon, he gave his nose. 

And still he smiled and talked, and as 

The soldiers bore dead bodies by, 

He called them untaught knaves, unmannerly. 

To bring a slovenly, unhandsome corpse 

Between the wind and his nobility. 

With many holiday and snobbish terms 

Such as, ^^ Aw, weally!" ^^Did you evah!'^ 

He addressed me, among the rest 

Demanded my prisoners, in her Majesty's 

Behalf. I then, all smarting with 

My wounds, being galled to be so pestered 

With a seven-by-nine popinjay. 

Out of my grief and my impatience 

I lifted him one abaft the wheel-house. 

And you might have heard his little 

Coat-tails crack as he passed 

Over into the next county. 

This bald, unjointed chat of his, my lord. 

Disturbed my Dutch, and I beseech you. 

Let not his mysterious disappearance 

Come betwixt my love and your high majesty. 



MARRIAGE. 

Marriage is a matter of more worth 

Than to be dealt in by attorneyship, 

And yet we occasionally hear of 

A lawyer who has cheek enough to ask 

A lady to marry him! 

But what is wedlock forced but a hell, 

An age of discord, a continual 

Dog-and-cat existence that annoys the neighbors 

And depreciates real estate on your street? 

Whereas the contrary bringeth forth bliss 

And a pattern of celestial peace, 

Provided, of course, you get a cook-stove 

That doesn't smoke. 



SHYLOCK TO ANTONIO. 

Signor Antonio, many a time und oft 
In der Kialto you haf abused me 
Abound mine monies, und said dot 
I took more inderest in a year 
Den der brincipal yas come to! 
Still haf I borne all dose mit 
A patient shrug; 

For, yat vou call it? sufferance? — 
Vas der badge uy all our tribe; 
You call me bad names — 
Misbelieyer, cut-throad, son uy a gun, 
Cheep Shon, und so on. 
Veil, den, it yas now appeared 
Dot you need mine helup! 
You come to me und you said. 
Mister Shylock, old poy, I yould 
Like to borrow dree dousand ducats 
Till next Saturday! You said so? 
You, dot haf booted me 



^6 SHYLOCK TO ANTONIO. 

Two, dree, six several dimes, 

Und spurn'd me from your threshold 

Like a dog! Monies is your suit, den? 

By goodness, you haf more cheek 

As a book agent! Should I not said: 

Haf a dog money? 

Do a son uv a gun 

Keep a pank ackound? 

Didn't it been impossibility 

Dot a cur should lend you 

Dree dousand ducats? Or, 

Shall I bend low, und in a bondsman's key, 

Mit bated breath und vhispered humbleness 

Said this: 

Fair sir; you spit on me on Vednesday last. 

You spurn'd me on Thursday, 

On Friday you told me to vipe off 

Mine shin off; 

Anudder dime you call me 

Old Stick-in-der-mud; 

Und, now, for dose dings 

I lend you — a fife-cent nickel 

Und took a mortgage 

On your old paid head! 



BRUTUS ON THE DEATH OF C^SAR. 

Eomans, countrymen, and lovers — 

Hear me for my cause. 

And be silent that the people 

On the back seats may hear. 

Who is here so base that he would 

Be a bondman? If any, speak. 

For there are a dozen men lying in jail 

Who would be out, only that they 

Can't get any one to go on their bond. 

Who is here so rude, that he would be 

A Roman nose? If any, speak. 

For him have I offended. 

Who is here so vile, that he will not 

Love his country cousin? If any, speak, 

As I can recommend a gentleman 

Who will attend to it for him. 

I pause for a reply. * * * 

None! Then none have I offended. 



ROMEO'S APOTHECARY, 

I do remember an apothecary, 

And hereabouts he dwells, whom late I noted . 

Wearing his ulster in June, with 

Overwhelming brows and a bad nose, 

Culling of simples; meagre were his looks. 

Sharp misery, dodging his landlord 

And sitting around on a nail-key 

Waiting for customers, had worn him 

To the bones; and in his needy shop 

A tortoise hung, an alligator stuff'd. 

And other skins and skeletons of ill-shaped 

Birds and fishes, including several bunches 

Of peppermint, tansy, horse-radish and Injun turnip; 

And about his shelves a beggarly account 

Of empty boxes and fruit-cans, bladders. 

Musty seeds, roots, barks and herbs; empty flasks 

Of pint and quart sizes, with 

Candy jars labelled in gold, E Pluriius Umim, 

Fiat Justitia, Tempus Fugity Vox Popnliy 



KOMEO'S APOTHECARY. 29 

Sanctum Sanctorum, Sic Semper TyranniSy 

Spiritus Frumenti, Spiritus-for-your-red-eye, 

Hark-I'liear-an-angel'Sing, and other things 

Usually kept in first-class drug-stores. 

All these were thinly scattered to make up a show. 

Noting this penury, to myself I said: 

^^ And if, of a Sunday morn, a man did need 

A whisky sling to brace up his 

System before church, or a 

Flask filled to keep in the house 

In case of sickness, whose sale 

On such a day is 'gainst the law in Mantua, 

Here lives a caitiff wretch would sell it him.'' 

0, this same thought did forerun my need; 

And this same seedy man must sell it me! 

As I remember, this should be the place; 

Being Sunday, the beggar's shop is shut. 

So I will hie me gayly round 

And on the back door gently knock me: 

Hist! ho! good apothecary! 



MACBETH TO THE DAGGER. 

Is this a dagger which I see before me. 

The handle toward my han'? 

Or is the — hie — poiiit toward my han'? 

A feller can't most always some — hie — sometimes 
tell. 

Come, let me clutch thee — Oho, you won't? 

Well, then, I'll show ye who's runnin' the she — ^hic 
— shebang! 

I have thee— hie — not; and yet I see thee still^ 

Hello! I see two daggers, or I'm a goat! 

Art thou not, fatal too — hie — toothpicks. 

Sensible to feeling, as to sight? No; 

That could'st not be — hie— else could I 

Feel thee double, as doulle do I — hie — see thee! 

P'raps thou art but a couple of daggers of the mind, 

A false ere — hie — creation, so to speak. 

Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain — 

By Jo — hie — Jove! heat-oppressed brain is good. 

And will I that word lay up in the vast 

Storehouse of my mind for Mrs. — hie — Mrs. Mac- 
beth! 



FALSTAPF TO THE BARTENDER. 

jPbZ.— Bardolph, I say! 

Bard, — Here, sir. 

Fah — Go brew me a quart of sack, thou dog. 

Bard, — With an egg, sir? 

Fal, — Aye, with a goose-egg! 

Bard, — And strong? 

Fal, — Strong as a steam stump-puller; 
With alcohol, red-pepper and gun cotton. 
And with nitro-glycerine, thou mangy one! 
Make it to rise up and seize a man 
By the throat like the fierce Numidian lion! 
Have I lived to be carried in a basket 
And thrown into the Thames, begaud? 
If I be served such another trick 
I'll have my brains ta'en out 
And replaced with apple-sass. 
The rogues slighted me into the river 
With as little remorse as they should 
Had I run with the machine in politics. 



33 FALSTAFF TO THE BARTENDER. 

I should have drowned but that the shore 

Was shelvy and Fm tallest when Fm down. 

And it's a death I do abhor. 

For, know you, it swells a man so, 

And what a David Davis I would be 

If I were swelled! 



i 



SOLILOQUY OF RICHARD IIL 

Give me another horse-blanket! 

Bind up my wounds with Jones' liniment, 

The boss remedy for cuts, bruises, burns, 

Scalds, ringbone, spavin or quarter-crack 

In man or beast, fifty cents a bottle. 

Three bottles for a dollar; for sale by 

All respectable dealers; none genuine unless 

Bearing the signature of — but soft! I did but dream! 

coward conscience, how dost thou afflict me! 
The lights burn blue. It is now dead midnight. 
And I am no nearer home than I was 

Last Saturday night at this time! 

What do I fear? Myself? There's none else by; 

No; one I fear who in her bed doth lie! 

1 am a villain; I am a son of a gunsmith; 
I — I — I lie; I am not, not by a jugful! 
Not if the court knows herself; not by a 
Majority as large as Samuel J. Tilden's! ■ 
Fool, of thyself speak well, for none else will. 



34 SOLILOQUY OF RICHARD III. 

My conscience hath a thousand several tongues; 
And if I should take a notion to have it quickened 
Every tongue would tell a several tale; 
And every tale would condemn me for a villain; 
Then I would get six months at hard labor 
Unless I could fix things with the court. 



i 



CASSIUS AGAINST C^SAR. 

Honor is the subject of my story; 

I cannot tell what yon and other men 

Think of this life, not being a mind-reader, 

Bnt for my single self, I had as lieve not be, 

As live to be in awe of such a thing as myself; 

And after you have ta'en a good square look at me. 

You will of the same opinion be. 

I was born as free as Caesar, 

Having been ushered into the world 

North of Mason and Dixon's line; 

So were you; we have both fed as well, 

And we can both endure the winter's cold. 

And get along without a chest-protector as well as 

he. 
For, once upon a raw and gusty day, 
The troubled Tiber being in high rafting stage, 
Caesar said to me — '^ Cassius, I will bet you 
Two dollars and a half you will not leap with me 
Into the angry flood, and swim to Hunter's Point!" 



36 CASSIUS AGAINST CiESAR. 

Quicker than you could have said 

J. Kobinson Crusoe^, accoutred as I was, 

I plung-ed in, and bade him follow me; 

And so, indeed, the snoozer did! 

The torrent roared, and we did buffet it; 

With lusty sinews t^irowing it aside, 

And stemming it, with hearts of controversy 

For in those times two dollars and a half 

Were not picked up every day. 

But ere we could arrive the point proposed, 

Caesar weakened, and cried — ''Help me, Cassius, 

I've got a cramp in my left leg!" 

I, as -^neas, our great ancestor. 

Did from the flames of Troy, 

Upon his shoulders the old Anchises bear, 

So, from the waves of Tiber, did I the 

Played-out Cassar; and this man is now 

Become a god, and thinks of running for School 

Director. 
He had the fever and ague when he was 
Canvassing for a book in Indiana; 
And when the chill was on him 
I did mark how he did shake. 
And how, like an endman's bones. 
His teeth did chatter; I could have told 



CASSIUS AGAINST C^SAR. 37 

Him that quinine and whisky 
Would knock the chills higher than 
The price of butter, but I didn't do it. 
Now, in the name of all the gods at once, 
Upon whose hen-roost doth this our Caesar feed. 
That he hath grown so great? 



HENRY V. TO HIS SOLDIERS. 

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, 

Or close the wall up with our English dead; 

'Twill be cheaper than anything else. 

And then they won't have to be buried. 

In peace there's nothing so becomes a man 

As modest stillness and humility, 

Especially if he is a married man; J 

But when the blast of war blows in our ears, 

Then imitate the action of the tiger; 

Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood, 

Disguise fair nature with hard-fayored rage. 

Lend the eye a terrible aspect— 

And go out and hire a substitute 

If you have to pay him a thousand dollars! 

Now set the teeth, and stretch the nostril wide, 
Hold hard the breath, and bend up every spirit 
To its full height. Now, on you noblest English, 
Whose blood is fetched from fathers of war-proof; 



HEKRY y. TO HIS SOLDIERS. 39 

Be copy now to men of grosser blood. 
And teach them how to war. 
While I step oyer to the other side of the hill 
And see about getting something for dinner! 

And you, good yeomen, 

Whose limbs are made in England, show us here 

The mettle of your pasture. 

I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, 

Straining upon the start; the game's a-foot; 

Follow your spirit; and, upon this charge, 

Cry, Heayen for Harry, England and St. George, 

And I will see that you get your 

Back-pay by next Saturday night! 



MADNESS OCCASIONED BY POISON. 

Oh, marry, now my soul hath elbow-room; 

It would not out at windows, nor at doors 

Nor slide down the water-spout. 

There is so hot a summer in my bosom, 

That all my bowels crumble up to dust. 

And my tapeworm cries aloud for a street-sprinkler. 

I am a scribbled form, drawn with a pen 

Upon a parchment, and look a darned sight 

Worse than Tom Nast's pictures of Carl Schurz. 

And against this fire do I shrink up. 

Poisoned — dead — forsook — cast off. 

And none of you will bid the winter come 

And turn my insides to a skating-rink; 

Nor let my kingdom's rivers take their course 

Through my burn'd bosom, in a coal-boat stage 

From Pittsburgh to Cairo, so to speak; 

Nor entreat the North to make his bleak winds 

Kiss my parched lips, through the which 

Nothing stronger than aqua-fortis hath passed 

Since Murphy was around. 



KING LEAR DEFYING THE STORM. 

Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! 

Blow your bazoo till you can't rest! 

You cataracts and hurricanes, spout 

Till you have drench'd our steeples 

And made the weather-cocks pray to the gods 

To send them life-preservers or web-feet! 

Your sulphurous and thought-executing fires. 

Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts. 

Singe my white head! It's nothing but a wig 

Anyhow, and cost only two dollars and fifty cents! 

And thou, all shaking thunder. 

Strike flat the thick rotundity of the world! 

R-r-rumble thy belly-full! 

Spit, fire! spout, rain! yea, spout 

Like a country school-master 

At a Fourth of July celebration ! 

Nor rain, wind, thunder or fire are my daughters; 

I tax not you, you elements, with unkindness; 

I never gave you a kingdom, a grand piano. 



42 KIKG LEAR DEFYING THE STORM. 

All the pin-money you wanted, fine clothes, 

Kor permitted you to flirt with every drummer 

That came to town; you owe me no subscriptions; 

Then why let fall your horrible pleasure? 

Here I stand, your slave, 

A poor, infirm, weak and despised old man — 

And yet I call you servile ministers 

That have with two pernicious daughters joined 

Your high engendered battles 'gainst a head 

So old and white as this is! 

'Gainst an old man, subject to rheumatism, 

Who has been caught out in his best suit 

Without an umbrella! 

0! 0! 'tis foul! 



WOLSEY TO CROMWELL. 

Cromwell, I did not think to shed a tear 
In all my miseries; but this infernal 
Rheumatism has forced me to play the woman. 

Thus far, hear me, Cromwell. 

When I am forgotten, as I shall be, 

Inasmuch as I leave no fortune behind 

To keep my memory green in the courts — 

When I am forgotten, I say, 

And sleep in dull, cold marble, where no mention 

Of me more must be heard of — see to it, 

See to it, Cromwell, that my body 

Is not snatched for base uses. 

Cromwell, I charge thee, fling away ambition; 
By that sin fell the angels; how can man then, 
The image of his maker, hope to win by't. 
Much less a fellow of your stamp and style? 
Love thyself last, and a rich man's 



44 WOLSEY TO CROMWELL. 

Daughter first; cherish those hearts that hate thee, 
That is to say, cherish a kindred hatred for them. 
And never lose an opportunity to get even; 
Still in thy right hand carry gentle peace. 
And in thy hip-pocket a seven-shooter; 
Then if thou falFst, Cromwell, 
Thou fall'st a thoroughbred! 



HAMLET TO THE PLAYERS. 

Speak the speech, I pray you. 

As I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue. 

But if you mouth it, as many of our players do, 

I had as lief Frank Mayo had spoke my lines. 

Nor do not saw the air too much 

With your hands and feet. 

After the fashion of a windmill or Brother Talmage, 

But use all gently. 0, it offends me to the soul 

To see a robustious, periwig-pated fellow 

Tear a passion to tatters, to very rags. 

And mop the stage with it, so to speak. 

Be not too tame, either; 

But let discretion be your tutor. 

As it is much cheaper than to take lessons 

Of a professor of elocution. 

Suit the action to the word, and vice versa. 

And get in your work in some kind of style. 

Anything overdone is from the purpose of playing, 

Whose end is to hold, as 'twere, the mirror 



46 HAMLET TO THE PLAYERS. 

Up to nature, that for herself she may see 

How her clothes fit, and ascertain 

If there is any powder in her ears or eyebrows. 

A speech overdone, or come tardy off, 

Though it make the gods in the cock-loft laugh. 

Cannot but make those in the parquet 

Or dress circle grieve, the censure 

Of one of which must, in your allowance, 

O'erweigh a whole theatre of others, 

For they pay from $1 to $1.50 each. 

there be players that I have seen play. 

Not to speak it profanely. 

That, neither having the accent of Christians, 

Nor the gait of Christian, pagan nor man, 

Have so strutted and bellowed — 

And I do not by any means 

Refer exclusively to Anna Dickinson -^ 

That I have been tempted to go out to the box-office. 

Murder the treasurer, recover my money. 

And set fire to the building. 



CLEOPATRA'S BARGE. 

The barge she sat in like a burnished throne 
Burned on the water, and a citizen 
Yelled ^^Fire/^ and turned on an alarm. 
The poop was beaten gold; purple the sails, 
And so perfumed with hair-oil, or something, 
That the winds were loyesick with them. 
The oars were silver, or appeared to be. 
And if they were not the genuine article 
The whole town was shamefully deceived. 
Besides the sails and silver oars, 
A two-horse-power engine was hidden 
In the hold, for use in cases of emergency. 
It had a twenty-three-inch stroke 'scaped 
In the smoke-stacks, and cost three 
Hundred dollars, half cash, and the 
Balance in six months. 

Cleopatra was captain, clerk, first and second 
Mate, barkeeper, chambermaid and cook, 
And had a license to sell rum. 



HENRY V. TO THE HERALD. 

I pray thee, bear my former answer back; 

Bid them achieve me, and sell my bones 

To the guano manufacturers, if they so desire'i 

Good God! why should they mock poor fellows thus? 

The man that once did sell the lion's skin 

For two dollars and a quart of whisky, 

While the beast lived, was killed with hunting him. 

Tell them I bid thee put that in thy pipe 

And smoke it! 

Discourse with the Constable of France 

We are but warriors for the working day; 

Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirched 

With rainy marching in the painful field, 

Or painful marching in the rainy field. 

Or hoofing it across lots, as best doth suit thee. 

The blacking is all worn off our shoes, 
And our mustaches have not been waxed for two 
days; 



HEKRY V. TO THE HERALD. 49 

There's not a piece of feather in our host, 

(Good argument, I hope, we've had no chicken pie), 

And time has worn us into slovenry. 

But, bet thy life, our hearts are in the trim. 
And my poor soldiers tell me, yet ere night 
They'll be in fresher robes, or break a hamestring! 

They say they'll skin 

The gay new coats o'er the French soldiers' heads, 
Snatching their backs bald-headed, so to say. 
And turn them out in search of a clothing store. 

If they do this (and well I know they have the will). 
My ransom then shall soon be levied. 

Herald, save thy labor; 

Come thou no more for ransom, gentle herald. 

Lest we have thee roasted for dinner! 



GLOSTER'S SOLILOQUY. 

Now is the winter of our discontent 
Made glorious summer by this sun of York; 
Yet there's a hue and cry for weather-strips. 
And coal remains in the neighborhood of $6; 
Now are our brows bound with yictorious wreaths, 
Excepting mine, which is bound with a towel 
Dipped in ice-water; and yet I am not happy. 

Grim-visaged war hath smooth'd 

His wrinkl'd frontispiece, and now, instead 

Of mounting barbed steeds that snuff 

The battle from afar, and whose gallant 

Eiders wish it was from a little farther. 

He capers nimbly in a lady's chamber 

To the lasciyious pleasings of a bull-fiddle. 

But I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks. 
Nor made to court a forty-dollar looking-glass; 
I, that am rudely stamp'd and want love's majesty, 



( 



glostek's soliloquy. 51 

Not having a five-cent nickle to my back; 
I, that am curtaiFd of this fair proportion. 
Cheated of features by dissembling nature. 
Being hump-back'd, knock-kneed, pigeon-toed, 
Spring-halt, ring-boned and spavined, so that 
Even dogs bark at me as I halt by — 
Why, I, in this weak, piping time of peace. 
Have no delight to pass away the time 
Unless I spy my shadow in the sun 
And descant on mine own deformity. 

And, therefore, since I cannot prove a lover, 
I am determined to prove a villain — 
Then, hear me, ye immortal gods, 
Straightway do I announce myself 
A candidate for the State Legislature! 



CLARENCE TO THE LANDLORD 

ON PAYING HIS BILL AFTER A NIGHT'S LODGING. 

Oh! I've passed a miserable night, 

So full of fearful dreams, of ugly sights, 

And I feel this morning as if I had 

Been sent for and couldn't come; 

I would not spend another such a night. 

No, not if you would make me a present 

Of your whole confounded hash foundry. 

So full of dismal terror was the time. 

Methought the bedbugs tore me limb from limb. 
Picked the flesh from my aching bones, 
Checked me through to that undiscovered country 
From whose bourne no commercial traveller returns. 
And divided up my samples among themselves. 

My dream was lengthened after life; 
Oh! then began the tempest to my soul! 
With that, methought a legion of foul fiends 



CLAREl^CE TO THE LANDLORD. 53 

Environed me, and howled in mine ears 
Such, hideous cries, that, with the yery noise, 
I trembling waked, and for a season after 
Could not believe but that I was in hell. 
Such terrible impression made my dream. 
Until I looked out of the window 
And saw the barkeeper kissing 
The dining-room girl in the back yard. 



THE POWER OP MUSIC. 

How sweet the moonlight sleeps 

Upon this citizens' savings bank. 

Whose shutters are up and whose 

President and Cashier have gone to that country 

With which we have no extradition treaty! 

Here will we sit, and let the sounds of music 

Creep in our ears, along with ants and bugs 

And other merry wanderers of the night. 

Sit, Jessica, here upon my overcoat. 

And wake Diana with a hymn. 

Do thou but note a wild and wanton herd 

Of youthful and unhandled colts. 

Fetching mad bounds, snorting and neighing loud, 

If they but hear perchance a trumpet sound, 

Or any air of music touch their ears. 

You shall perceive them make a mutual stand, 

Their savage eyes turned to a modest gaze. 

Transfixed by the sweet power of music. 

You doubtless have observed, too. 



THE POWER OF MUSIC. 65 

That when a herd of youthful and unhandled 

Colts, or broken-down plough horses, catch 

The far-ofE sound of a church choir 

Where the minister and the congregation 

Join in the chorus, they will get away from it 

Or break their necks. 

But this, dear Jessica, is not music. 

Oh, no; not by a long shot! 

The man that hath no music in himself, 

Nor is not moved with a concord of sweet sounds, 

Is fit for treason, stratagems and spoils. 

Or to hold office under the United States goyern- 

ment. 
Let no such man be trusted. 



THE GHOST TO HAMLET. 

Bet you two dollars and a half 

I am thy father's ghost. 

Doomed for a time to walk the night. 

Until I can be put on the day force. 

And the foul crimes done in my days of politics 

Are burnt and purged away. 

But that I am forbid, I could a tale unfold 

Whose lightest word would weigh as heavy 

As a freight-car; freeze thy young blood; 

Make thy two eyes stick out like ink-bottles; 

Thy knotted and combined locks to part. 

And each particular hair to stand on end. 

Like quills upon a brand new paint-brush. 

But this eternal blazon must not be 

To ears of flesh and blood: List, list, list! 

I intend to sell it to a newspaper 

For forty dollars! 



KING HENRY'S GRAND ENTRY INTO LONDON. 

AS DESCRIBED BY CHORUS. 

Vouclisaf e to those that have not read the story, 
That I may prompt them; and of such as have, 
I humbly pray them to admit the excuse 
Of time, of numbers and due course of things 
Which cannot in their huge and proper life 
Be here presented, on account of a rush 
Of adyertisements; best advertising medium 
In the state; circulates among a rich and 
Flourishing people; now is the time to 
Get up clubs. Now we bear the king 
Toward Calais; grant him there, because 
He has his royal pockets filled with passes. 
There seen, heave him away upon your 
Winged thoughts athwart the sea, as you would 
Heave a book-agent on the toe of your boot. 
Behold the English beach pales in the flood 
With men, with wives, and boys whose shouts 



58 Ki]s^G hekey's grakd ehtry into londok. 

And claps out-voice the deep-mouthed sea. 
Because they think a circus has come to town. 
So let him land; and see him set on 
To London; so swift a pace hath thought 
That even now you may imagine him 
Upon Blackheath, which is a sort of half-way house 
On the London turnpike^ where they sell poor whisky 
And entertain sleighing parties from the city. 
Here his lords desire him to have borne 
Before him through the city his bruised helmet 
And his bended sword, which were run over 
By a freight-train, but he forbids it, 
Being free from vainness and self -glorious pride. 
But now behold, in the quick forge 
And working-house of thought, 
How London doth pour out her citizens! 
The Mayor, in a new fifteen-dollar suit. 
The city council, in best sort, with the fire depart- 
ment 
Bringing up the rear, like to the senators 
Of antique Eome, with the plebeians swarming 
At their heels — go forth to fetch their Caesar in— 
Every man pretty well how-come-you-so! 



HOTSPUR'S IMPATIENCE FOR THE BATTLE. 

Let them come! 

0, let them come and see us! 

They come like sacrifices in their trim. 

And to the fiery-eyed maid of smoky war. 

All hot and bleeding, will we offer them. 

And they will think they are being run 

Through a 16-horse-power threshing-machine. 

The mailed Mars shall on his altar sit. 

Up to his ears in blood, and if he 

Doesn't like it, he can look for another job. 

I am on fire to hear this rich reprisal 

Is so nigh. Come, let me take my horse. 

Who is to bear me, like a thunderbolt, 

Against the bosom of the Prince of Wales, 

Harry to Harry shall, not horse to horse. 

Meet, and ne'er part till one drop down a corse, 

And haye his pockets rifled by the other fellow. 



ROMEO AT THE GRAVE OF JULIET. 

Enter Romeo and Balthazar tvith a Torch^ Mattock^ 
&c. 

Borneo — Give me that mattock and the monkey- 
wrench. 
Hold, take this postal-card; early in the morning, 
At least ah hour and a half before thou art up, 
See thou deliver it to my lord and father; 
If thou canst not find him, put a three-cent 
Stamp on it, and drop it into the post-oflElce. 

Give me the light. Upon thy life, I charge thee. 
Whatever thou hear'st or seest, stand all aloof. 

Why I descend into this bed of death 

Is, partly, to behold my lady's face. 

But, chiefly, to take thence from her dead finger 

A precious ring, that cost me $7 at wholesale; 

A ring that I must use in dear emplojrment. 



ROMEO AT THE GRAVE OF JULIET. 61 

Therefore, hence, begone! 

But if thou, jealous, dost return to pry 

In what I further shall intend to do. 

By heaven, I will at thy inquest swear 

I found thee digging at fair Juliet's tomb. 

And supposing thou wert a medical student, 

Tore thee joint from joint. 

And strew'd this hungry churchyard with thy limbs! 



THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE. 

For aught that ever I could read, 

Could eyer hear by tale or history, 

Or worm out of the oldest inhabitant, 

The course of true love never did run smooth. 

Either it was different in blood. 

His name being O'Rourke, hers Eppenstein; 

Or else misgraffed in respect of years, 

The lovesick boy being seventy-five or eighty. 

And the girl sixteen or thereabouts; 

Very like it stood upon the choice of friends. 

His father wanting him to take to wife 

The pork merchant's daughter, while the youth 

Had a hankering after the girl that 

Kept the toll-gate. 

Or if there was a sympathy in choice. 

The Governor and the boy 

Being of the same opinion, war, death. 

Or sickness did lay siege to it, or the 

Girl said, ''No; your bride I cannot be,'' 



THE COURSE OF TRUE LOVE. 63 

Or words to that effect, thus making it 
Momentary as a sound, swift as a shadow, 
Short as a dream or the butcher's weight, 
Brief as the lightning in the darkest night 
That, in a flash, unfolds both heaven and earth. 
And, ere a man hath power to say, 
^^ Jack Kobinson!" the jaws of darkness 
Do devour it up: So quick bright things 
Come to confusion, and a young man is left 
Worse than the newspaper that didn't 
Hear of the elopement of its own editor. 



GHOST SCENE FROM THE NEW JULIUS C^SAR. 

Scene, Brutus^ Apartment — Time, Midnight. 

Brutus. Let me see, let me see. Is not the leaf 

turned down, 
Where I left reading? Here 'tis, I think. 
No, 'tis not. The chambermaid hath been 
Ramming around among my books and papers, 
And Fm blessed if I can find a cussed thing 
Where I left it. I'll speak to the clerk about this. 
How ill this taper burns! I wonder to gracious 
If they expect me to pay $2 a week 
For board, and put up with a light 
Like this? If so, they reckon without their guest. 
I don't want an electric light, 
But I'll have a better one than this 
If I have to set fire to the house to get it. 

Enter the ghost of Ccesar. 

Ha! Who comes here? Confound it! I thought 
I told thee not to come till Saturday? 



GHOST SCE]!^E FBOM THE KEW JULIUS C^SAK. 65 

Thy paltry bill is only two and a lialf, 

And yet thou mak'st more ado about it 

Than I would oyer a million. 

Ah! I beg your pardon. I took you for another. 

What! Is't the weakness of mine eyes 

That shapes this monstrous apparition? 

It comes upon me! Art thou anything? 

Art thou some god, some angel, or some deyil 

That mak'st my hair cold and my blood to stare? 

Or art thou indeed the agent of my landlord? 

Speak to me, what thou art, 

And whicheyer way thou answerest 

I am not at home! 



PORTIA'S PICTURE. 

What find I here? 
Fair Portia's counterfeit? What demi-god 
Hath come so near creation, and what 
Doth the demi -god forsaken caitiff charge 
Per dozen? Move these eyes? Or, whether riding 
On the balls of mine, seem they in motion? 
Damphino! Ask me an easier one. 

Here are sever'd lips parted with sugar breath; 
Wonder if Jones— but no! Perish 
The thought! And, also, perish Jones, 
The ringbon'd, spayin'd Jobberwock, 
If ever I do catch him hereabouts again! 

Here in her hair the painter plays the spider, 
And hath woven a mesh to entrap 
The hearts of men, one of whom am I 
By a large majority, and several counties 
And bulldozed districts to hear from. 



PORTIA'S PICTURE. 6? 

But her eyes! How could he see to do them? 
Haying made one, methinks it would haye power 
To steal both his — Ah! blessed thought! I'll steal 
Her picture, now I hear her foot 
Upon the stairs! 



THE POWER OF LOVE. 

But love, first learned in a lady's eyes, 
Lives not alone immured in the brain; 
But, with the motion of all elements, 
Courses as swift as thought in every power, 
And gives to every power a greater power — 
A sort of double-geared block-and-taekle arrange- 
ment. 
That will, among other things, keep a man 
Chained to the sofa in her father's parlor 
Till half -past one o'clock next day. 
Love adds a precious seeing to the eye. 
Which enables base, deceiving man to pay 
Two dollars and a half for a paste diamond 
Set in a brass ring, and palm it ofiE 
On his best girl for one of Tiffany's costliest stones. 
And the dear, confiding creature, extending 
Her taper finger to receive the gift, 
Exclaims, ^^ George!" and falling into his arms 
Soils his white vest with tears of joy! 



THE POWER OF LOYE. 69 

A loyer's ear will hear the lowest sound, 

And there are few cases on record 

Where the old man succeeded in stealing 

From his bed-room to the parlor door 

Without surprising at least one of the young people. 

Love's tongue proves dainty Bacchus gross in taste; 

And for valor, is not love a Hercules, 

Packing more confectionery in his coat-tail pockety 

Than would sink a ship? 

Subtle as Sphinx, as sweet and musical 

As bright Apollo's lute strung with hair 

Plucked from the bright and golden butter 

Which Cometh from the Western Eeserve. 

Never durst poet touch a pen to write 

Until his ink were tempered with love's sighs; 

then his lines would ravish savage ears — 

But what does an Indian know about poetry? 



PETRUCHIO ON APPAREL. 

We will unto your father's, Kate, 
Even in these honest, mean habiliments. 
Nay, turn not up thy pretty nose, sweet chick, 
Lest thou get it tangl'd in the gas fixtures. 

Our purses shall be proud, our garments poor. 
And we may be ta'en for the Duke 
And Duchess of Connaught on their 
Wedding trip, although, perhaps, the chances 
Are as a thousand to one against us. 

'Tis the mind that makes the body rich, 

And we can have as much *^ in our mind " * 

As anybody outside of Boston. 

As the sun breaks through the darkest clouds. 

So honor peereth in the meanest habit. 

What! is the jay more precious than the lark. 

Because his feathers are more beautiful? 

Step into the bird-store and price them! 



PETRUCHIO OK APPAREL. 71 

Is the adder better than the eel 
Because his painted skin contents the eye? 
Not by a jugful of Eobertson County's 
Kose of Sharon and Lily of the Valley, 
Distilled 'way back in Jackson's time! 

Neither am I nor you the worse, sweet Kate, 

For this poor furniture and mean array. 

And did yours truly but know a place 

Where they put an inyisible patch 

On a man's pants while he waits, 

I could be happy with my royal bride. 



CONSPIRATORS PLOTTING AGAINST CESAR. 

Scene — Brutus^ Apartment. Enter Cassius, foU 
lowed hy Casca, Cinna and others. 

Cassius. Good morrow, Brutus. 
I fear we make too bold upon your rest. 

Brutus. Brutus hath been up these two hours; 
Had a cramp in the region of my diaphragm. 
Brought on by too severe and continuous mental 

labor. 
Know I these men who come along? 
Perhaps thou had better introduce them. 

Cassius. Excuse me. Casca, shake hands with 
Brutus. 

Brutus. Glad to see you, glad to see you. 

Cassius. This is Cinna, the poet. 

Brutus. Ah! Mr. C, hope I see you well. 
Have known you by reputation a long time. 
Often read your poetry in the Philadelphia Ledger; 
Welcome to Castlenore. How's the Mrs. ? 



COKSPIRATOKS PLOTTIKG AGAIKST C^SAR. 73 

Cassius. This is Metallus Oimber; this is Decius; 
This is Trebonius; this is Ben. Butler. 

Brutus. They are all welcome, 
And if the hired girl hadn^t carried off the key 
Of the wine cellar, I would prove it straight, 
As I belieye you all take it that way. 

Cassius. Let us swear fidelity. 

Brutus. Not an oath ! By — however, not an oath. 
If these be motives weak, break off betimes. 
And every man hence to his idle bed; 
But if these, as I am sure they do. 
Bear fire enough to kindle cowards. 
Even as a can of kerosene kindleth a kitchen stove, 
Then, countrymen, what need have we of any spur 
But our own cause to prick us to redress! 

Cinna. What of Cicero? 
Perhaps he would stand in with us. 

Brutus. name him not! 
For he will never follow anything 
Unless it be a Fourth of July celebration, 
When he thinks he may be called on for a speech. 
He's well developed as to chin, is Cicero. 
He should have been a member of Congress 
Instead of a shoemaker. 

Cinna. Shall no man else be touched but Caesar? 



74 CONSPIRATORS plotti]s:g against c^sar. 

c 

Let Antony and Caesar fall together. 
They would be a nice pair to draw to. 

Brutus. Our course would seem too bloody; 
Let us be sacrificers, not butchers, gentle friends. 
We stand up against the spirit of Caesar; 
Would that we could get in our fine work 
On the spirit of Caesar, and not 
Dismember Caesar's body; 
But alas! the old man must bleed! 
It's hard luck, but it's business! 
And gentle friend, let us kill him bodily, 
But not wrathful; let us carve him 
As a dish fit for the gods, stuff'd with oysters. 
And with cranberry sauce — not hew him 
As a carcass fit for a soldier 
Who hadn't had a bite for six weeks. 

(Clock strikes.) 
Peace, count the clock, for, know you, 
I left my gold watch and chain on the piano. 

Cassius. The clock hath stricken three. 

Brutus. Yes, it hath stricken three. 
And yet I doubt me much if it be right. 
The old thing hath been out of kelter lately; 
Sometimes she runneth like a scared dog, 
And anon she stirreth not a peg for a week. 



CONSPIRATORS PLOTTING AGAINST C^SAR. 75 

Cassius. But, soft! What light through yonder 
window breaks? 

Brutus, 'Tis Juliet, kindling the kitchen fire. 

Cassius. 'Tis time to part. 

Brutus. Eight you are! 
Bidding good night is such sweet sorrow 
That I could say good night till it be to-morrow! 



BRUTUS MEDITATING THE DEATH OF C^SAR. 

Rome — Brutus'^ Apartment — Thunder and light- 
ning. 

Brutus. What, Lucius! ho! 
I cannot by the progress of the stars 
Give guess how near to-day, 
And I left my gold watch and chain 
At the jeweller's to have a diamond put in the stem. 
I would to heaven it were my fault 
To sleep so soundly. Lucius! lad! awake! 
Get up this minute, or you'll lose your job! 
Get up, I say, or walk the plank! 

Lucius. Called you, my lord? 

Brutus. Well, yes, I fancy the people 
Over in Kentucky imagine I did. 
Get me a taper in my study. 
And, see here, lad; fetch me my 
Twelve-dollar umbrella. 



BRUTUS MEDITATING THE DEATH OF C^SAR. 77 

This sheet-iron thunder betokens rain. 
And if I get wet I'll be laid up 
With the rheumatism for a month. 

Lucius. I will, my lord. {^Exit. 

Brutus, It must be by Caesar's death. 
He would be crowned else! 
Now, if he would but set me up 
In some light and honorable business — 
Give me a post-office, or something like that — 
All would be well! 
But I do fear him. 

Better, ten times, I had the crown myself. 
Crown Caesar king, and then I grant 
We put a sting in him worse than 
A bumblebee's, that at his will he 
May do damage with! 
Therefore, think him as a serpent's egg — 
Blacksnake, rattlesnake, copperhead. 
Boa-constrictor, sea-serpent, or what you will — 
Which, hatched, would as its kind 
Grow dangerous and bite somebody; 
So, I'll bust him i' the shell! 

Lucius. The taper burneth in the closet, sir. 
Searching in the window for a flint 
I found this paper, thus sealed up. 



78 BEUTUS MEDITATING THE DEATH OF CiESAR. 

And Fm sure it did not lie there 
When I went to bed. 

Brutus. Go out and sharpen the lightning-rods. 
And put the rain-barrel under the spout; 
Then hie thee speedily to bed. 
But, mark you, lad, if you don't get up 
When I call you, off goes your head; 
So much for Buckingham! 

\^Ligldni7ig — Exit Lucius* 
The exhalations, whizzing in the air. 
Like pin-wheels on the Fourth of July, 
Giye so much light that I may read by them. 

l^Opens letter and reads. 
^^ Brutus, thou steepest; awahe and see thyself.^^ 
That's pretty good. '^ Brutus, thou sleepest; 
Get up and come down to breakfast 
Or you won't get a bite," 
Would sound more home-like. 
^^ Shall Rome, <&c.^^ How should I know? 
I give it up. '^ SpeaTcl strike! redress V^ 
Eedress? To be sure. If a man sleep'st. 
And wak'st, and gettest up, 
It is proper he should redress. 
Mayhap there's something of great import in this. 
Let us gaze upon it with a critic's eye. 



BRUTUS MEDITATING THE DEATH OF C^SAR. 79 

^^ Shall Rome, &c,^^ Thus must I piece it out. 

Shall Eome stand under one man's awe? 

What! Eome! Eome that sat on her 

Seven hills^ and from her throne of beauty 

Euled the world, and had 3-cent beer 

Before Cincinnati was heard of ? 

Scarcely' ''Speak! strike! redress !^^ 

Am I entreated then to speak and strike? 

I have been speaking in the open air 

During the entire campaign, 

And have caught a heavy cold; 

But striking is my best hold, anyhow. 

I Avas in the Pittsburg riots. 

I was the ringleader of the strikes. 

I struck out for tall timber. 

It was I who struck for my altars and my fires, 

For the green graves of my sires, 

God and my native land. 

I also struck William Patterson. 

Therefore, Eome! I make thee promise! 

If the redress will follow, then thou 

Eeceivest thy full petition 

At the hand of Marcus Brutus, 

Member of Congress from the First District! 



EXCITING SCENE FEOM JULIUS CJESAR. 

Ccesar. Et tu, Brute! Then fall Caesar! 

YDies hard. 

Brutus — {Comes down the stage flourishing a corn 
knife,) Sic simper tyrannus ! E phiriius umim! 
Veniy vidiy vicy versa ! 

[Senators retire i7i confusion. 
People and Senators, and also members 
Of the Lower House, be not afraid! 
You still have me with you. 
This is I, Hamlet the Dane! 
Fly not; stand still; ambition's debt 
Is paid, and I am King! 

And I'll make you the best king you ever had. 
I know all about the business. 
Never served an apprenticeship. 
But I have a natural talent that way. 
Brutus is every inch a king! 
Was always so. I can't help it. 
Long live the King! 

Enter Cassius. 



EXCITIKG SCENE FBOM JULIUS C^SAR. 81 

Brutus. Where's Sam Antony? 

Cassius, Fled from his house amazed! 
Men, wives and children stare, cry out. 
Run, as it were wash-day. 

Brutus. On, Romans, on! 
With hands and swords besmeared in Caesar's blood, 
Thus walk we forth, e'en to the Court House 
And the Mayor's office, where the Council sits. 
And, waving our red weapons o'er our heads. 
Cry with me, '^ Sic simper tyr annus! 
Tempus fugit ! Modus operandi /" 
And every man shall have a post-office! 

\^Red fire and quick curtain. 



NEW DEFINITION OP LOVE. 

Good shepherd, tell this youth what 'tis to love. 

It is to be all made of sighs and tears; 

It is to have your boots well blacked. 

Your face clean shaved and shirt immaculate; 

It is to be all made of faith and service, 

Eeady to walk seven miles to a picnic 

And carry a basket heavy as a keg of nails; 

It is to be all made of wishes, . 

Wishing her mother was blind as a bat 

And took no note of the flight of time; 

It is to be all humbleness, all patience. 

Willing to wait three mortal hours , 

While she powders, makes a new tie. 

Scrapes her nails, bangs her hair. 

Sews on a button here, a bow there. 

Changes a basque for a polonaise, 

And a polonaise for a basque. 

Asks her sisters and her mother and the cook 

And all the females in the house 



NEW DEFII^ITION OF LOVE. 83 

If it wouldn^t be better, after all, 

To wear her wine-colored silk, 

With purple flowers at her waist. 

And the hat with the real ostrich feather — 

And this is love! 



BRUTUS RECEIVING CASSIUS. 

Brutus. Since I have been wMtted against Caesar 
I have not slept a wink, so help me! 
Between the acting of a dreadful thing 
And the first motion, all the interim 
Is like a phantasma or a hideous dream — 
The genius and the mortal instruments 
Are then in council; and the state of man. 
Like to a little kingdom, suffers 
The nature of an insurrection. 
Ah! then 'tis we find our consolation 
In a little gin and sugar. 

Enter Lucius, 

Lucius. Sir, 'tis Oassius at the door. 

Brutus. Sure 'tis not the man after the water-rent? 

Lucius. 'Tis Cassius, my lord. 

Brutus. Sure 'tis not the butcher, 
That base-born who stands in the market 
And sells liver? 



BRUTUS RECEIVING CASSIUS. 85 

Lucius. I'm sure 'tis Cassius. 

Brutus, Swear 'tis not the butcher! 

Lucius, I swear 'tis Cassius. 

Brutus. Comes he alone? 

Lucius, No, there are more with him. 
They have their faces buried in their cloaks 
That by no means may I discover them 
By any mark or favor. 

Brutus, Let them enter. 
They are the faction. conspiracy, 
Sham'st thou to show thy dangerous brow by night, 
"When evils are most free — ^when the State Central 
Committee hies from house to house. 
Fixing voters against election-day? 
Oh, then, by day where wilt thou find 
A cavern dark enough to mask 
Thy monstrous visage? Seek none, conspiracy; 
Hide it in smiles and affability 
Like a map-peddler! 



"You MIGHT HAVE RHYMED.'' 

Hamlet, Act III. Sc. 2 



AT THE GRAVE OF OPHELIA. 

Now it happened on an evening 

In the merry month of May 
That the sorrow-stricken relatives 

Did bury fair Ophelia. 
About the grave the mourners 

Were standing wrapped in woe. 
When the good priest prayed and whispered, 

" No further can we go. 

*^ You know her death was doubtful. 

Having died a suicide, 
And therefore should this maid be lodged 

In ground unsanctified." 
Now it fell out that Ophelia 

Had a brother, Laertes, 
Who said, " Good priest, proceed ye 

With these solemn obsequies.'' 

Up spake the good priest sharply, 
*^ We've enlarged her obsequies 



AT THE GRAVE OF OPHELIA. 89 

As mucli as we have warranty. 

You'll retire, if you please.'^ 
Young Laertes was angered, 

Or was pained, to say the least. 
At what he termed the swindle 

Of a low-lived, ornery priest. 

^^ But lay her f the earth," said he^ 

**The beauteous, fair young thing; 
And from her unpolluted flesh 

May sweetest violets spring!" 
Then, turning to the priest, he said: 

** A million to a cent, 
That she will sing in heaven 

When you below lament!" 

With that he leaped into the grave, 

And to the Sexton said: 
^' Now pile your dust upon the quick 

As well as on the dead. 
And make this flat a mountain 

In height a mile or two, 
To o'ertop old Pelion or the head 

Of old Olympus blue." 

And, speaking of Ophelia 

And the lips he oft had kissed. 



90 AT THE GRAVE OF OPHELIA, 

He rassled with the coJBan 

Like a resurrectionist. 
^Twas an inauspicious moment 

For young Hamlet to appear. 
When the fair Ophelia's brother 

Was so much upon his ear. 

^^May I ask whose grief," said Hamlet, 

^^ Bears such an emphasis? 
For I never in all Denmark 

Saw aught to equal this; 
Whose phase of sorrow conjures 

The wonder- wounded stars. 
And makes them pause and listen 

From Jupiter to Mars?'' 

And then he introduced himself 

As one lately judged insane. 
By shouting to the mourners, 

"I'm the Melancholy Dane!" 
With that he shed his linen, 

Gave his hand a lordly wave. 
And horrified the relatives 

By leaping in the grave. 

He wasn't in till Laertes 

Had grabbed him by the throat 



AT THE GRAVE OF OPHELIA. 91 

And addressed to him such, language 

As I hardly dare to quote. 
'' Hold off thy hands!" said Hamlet, 

^' Though neither splenitive nor rash, 
I have something in me dangerous, 

And your head Tm apt to smash." 

^^ Pluck them asunder!" yelled the King; 

And the Queen yelled, ^^0, my son!" 
Above them all the good priest yelled, 

^^0, let us see the fun!" 
The Prince led out right merrily, 

And caught him on the chin. 
While Laertes returned the comp 

By pitching into him. 

Said Hamlet, '^ young Laertes, 

I do not like your style. 
And Fll make you drink up Esil, 

Or eat a crocodile!" 
^^I'll erect a head upon you,'' 

The other did retort, 
^^That in comparison, it will 

Make Ossa like a wart!" 

The way they plugged each other 
Was appalling for to see. 



92 AT THE GRAVE OF OPHELIA. 

Till, loosening of all holds, they sunk 

Down, dead as dead could be! 
The Sexton filled the grave with earth, 

Saying, ^^Here is news to tell!" 
While the Queen, she strewed her flowers with, 

^^Sw^et to the sweets, farewell!" 



HAMLET AND LAERTES. 

*'Come on, thou blear-eyed Laertes/^ 

Said Hamlet, sword in hand. 
And Laertes: ^^Fm ready, '^ 

And assumed a tragic stand. 
Their foils they clashed and clattered, 

And exclaimed the King, ^^Me Lawd!" 
While the Queen, her lords and ladies, 

Did occasionally applaud. 

^^Is't not a touch?" asked Hamlet, 

And paused his nose to blow; 
But if it was, or if 'twas not. 

Young Laertes said/^ No." 
Then Hamlet called for judgment. 

And the Queen, with stately grace. 
Arose and said, ^^It's clear to me 

He's out at second base." 



i^( 



Well, come again!" yelled Laertes, 
And fiercely buckled to; 



94: HAMLET AiTD LAERTES. 

As fierce the Prince responded 
As if he'd run him through. 

^' Another hit! What say you?" 
^^ A touch, I do confess!" 

" Our son shall win," observed the King; 
The Queen observed, " I guess." 



Again the King: ^' Some liquor 

Would cheer our Hamlet up;" 
And, dissembling his treachery. 

He offered him the cup. 
Young Hamlet either smelled a mice. 

Or else he wasn't dry, 
For he waved the liquor from him 

And calmly winked his eye. 

The Queen then gobbled up the bowl, 
The King yelled, " Drink it not!" 

'' I will, you bet;" and quaffed it off. 
"Til drink it while it's hot!" 

" Come for the third, Laertes, 
And let me have your best," 

Said Hamlet, wiping off his chin 
, And pulling down his vest. 



HAMLET AKD LAERTES. 95 

^^Haye at you, then!'^ screeched Laertes, 

And whacked him on the head. 
The blow came back with interest, 

And Larry freely bled. 
Excitement now was running high. 

And blow was heaped on blow. 
When Osric yelled above the din, 

^^Look to the Queen there, hoi" 

The Queen had fallen on the floor 

As if she had been shot. 
^^Her Majesty," observed the King, 

^' Has swooned because it's hot." 
'^ He's a liar and a hoss-thief." 

(I quote her right, I think. ) 
^^I die bekase Fm pizened — 

Hamlet — son — it is the drink!" 

''0, villainy!" young Hamlet screamed. 

Said Laertes, ^^It's here!" 
And ^^ peached" about the poisoned point, 

Likewise the poisoned beer. 
^^The point envenomed!" shrieked the Prince, 

^^Then, venom, do thy worst!" 
And stabbed the king full fifty times. 

And danced around and curs'd. 



96 HAMLET AND LAERTES. 

And then there was a picnic. 

Appalling for to see; 
For in less than twenty seconds 

They were dead as dead could be — 
The King, the Queen, young Laertes, 

And Hamlet — all went hence 
To that undiscoyered country, 

With half the audience. 



CLEOPATRA AND THE ASP. 



<( 



Give me my robe, good Iris, 

And assist me to a chair. 
Then you shall lace my gaiters 

And attend to my back-hair; 
Fve immortal longings in me. 

And although it gives me pain. 
The juice of Egypt's grape shall never 

Moist these lips again! 

*' Methinks I see brave Antony 

Rise up and say, ^ Well done!' 
Hear him mock the luck of Caesar— 

But, husband, here I come!" 
Then gathering up the deadly asp. 

She placed it to her breast: 
"Untie this knot intrinsicate. 

And let me be at rest !" 



98 CLEOPATRA AND THE ASP. 

No second invitation 

Was required for the snake. 
For he quietly proceeded 

Of that royal feast to take. 
Cleopatra to the reptile: 

^^Be angry, and dispatch; 
Call great Caesar ass unpolicied. 

Without a living match!" 

^^ Eastern star!" said Iris. 

Cleopatra: ^^ Silent keep! 
You'll wake the baby at my breast 

That sucks the nurse asleep! 
As sweet as balm/' continued she, 

^^ As gentle — " then a gasp, 
And called upon her Antony 

To bless the little asp. 

* * * 

Cleopatra is alive to-day, 
On this my head I'll stake; 

But in less than forty seconds 
It was fatal to the snake. 



EXTRACT FROM THE NEW ROMEO AND JULIET. 

**But soft! what light/^ said Eomeo, 

'^ Through yonder window breaks?'^ 
And with his plaintive flute a seat 

Beneath her window takes. 

"It is the East! It is the East! 

And Juliet I see; 
She is the sunlight of my life" — 

Said Juliet, ^^Ah, me!" 

" Oh, speak again, bright angel. 

Thou, more glorious and fair 
Than a messenger of heaven . ^ 

On the bosom of the air." 

Then Juliet: ^' The mask of night 

Doth hide my face from view, 
Else would a blush bepaint my cheek, 

Thou flattering Montague. 



100 EXTRACT FROM THE NEW ROMEO, AKD JULIET. 

^' How cam's t thou hither, Eomeo, 

And wherefore, tell me true?" 
^^ With love's light wings I scal'd the wall. 

And came to gaze on you." 

'^Dost love me, gentle Romeo? — 
Tho' thou swear it on thy knees, 

I'll not forget that Jove laughs 
At lovers' perjuries. 

'^ But if in truth thou lovest me, 

Pronounce it faithfully; 
Or if I am too quickly won, 

I then perverse will be." 

Then throwing wide the window: 

^^ Of my perversity a proof!" 
And dropp'd a sack of flour plump 

Upon young Komeo's roof. 



ROMEO AND JULIET. 

^^ Wilt thou be gone?" said Juliet 

Unto her Romeo gay. 
^^I pray thee linger yet awhile. 

And thy good banjo play. 

^^ It was the nightly nightingale. 
And not the morning lark, 

That pierced the hollow of thine ear- 
0, stay, my festive spark!" 

^^ It was the herald of the morn — 
No nightingale, my sweet; 

And I must kiss my hand to thee 
Until again we meet." 

" 0, if thou loyest me, Romeo, 

I beg of thee to stay; 
The light thou seest a meteor is. 

Or the lamps at Mantua." 



102 ROMEO AND JULIET. 

*^ 0, no, my fairest Juliet, 
Night's candles are burnt out, 

And jocund day stands tip-toe 
On the mountain tops about. 

*^But since thy sweet lips ask it, 
I'll stay, my heart's delight. 

Until the lower regions 
Are frozen over tight. 

"I'll say yon gray to eastward 

Is not the morning's eye, 
And that is not the lark whose notes 

Do beat the vaulted sky." 

'Twas thus the maid detained him 
Till her father donned his pants. 

And went down and loosed the bull-dog 
And his cousins and his aunts. 

And when the hungry canines 

With his limbs the ground did strew, 
They were instructed by the Oapulet 

To eat the Montague. 
And never, though I say it, 

Was a story of more woe 
Than this pathetic narrative 

Of our foolish Komeo. 



ROMEO AND THE APOTHECARY. 

^^Oome hither, Doc/^ said Romeo 

Unto the druggist man, 
^^ And fix for me a poisoned pill 

As quickly as you can. 

'^ giye me some swift-speeding drug 

As will itself dispense 
Like lightning through a mortal's veins 

And send that mortal hence!" 

^' Such deadly drugs I have, my son, 

Among my stock in trade. 
But Mantua's law is instant death; 

Therefore, I am afraid." 

^^Thou art so full of wretchedness, 

^' Starvation's in thine eye; 
Upon thy back hangs poverty — 

Oh, mix it on the sly!" 



104 ROMEO AND THE APOTHECARY. 

^^ My poverty/' the druggist said, 
" But not my will consents;" 

And then he mixed the powder. 
And took the twenty cents. 

*^ Take this in anything thou wilt. 
And you have met your fate; 

Had you the strength of twenty men 
It would dispatch you straight.'* 

^ Leave that to me," said Komeo — 
The sneaking demagogue — 

** I want this deadly pizen 
To kill a neighbor's dog." 



I 



THE FATE OF POLONIUS. 

Young Hamlet and his mother 

In a private room did sit 
To converse on family matters, 

Which to Hamlet then seemed fit. 

^^ Leave off the wringing of your hands, 

And sit you down, I pray, 
And I will wring your heart, mamma, 

Or bust a flue to-day." 

'Twas then that old Polonius 
Sneaked 'round behind a screen. 

To listen to the racket 
That did wait the guilty Queen. 

The Queen she shouted ^^ Murder!" 
And Polonius cried, ^^ What, ho!" 

'^How now! a rat!" yelled Hamlet, 
And immediately let go. 



106 THE FATE OF POLONIUS. 

He drew his trusty rapier, 

Through the arras made a passj 

Caught Polonius amidships, 
And sent him down to grass. 

^^I always did despise a rat/' 

He to his mother said, 
" And I'll bet you seven dollars he's 

Dead for a ducat, dead!" 

The moral of this tragedy 
Is clear as light of day; 

Whatever may be happening, 
Prom the key-hole keep away. 



SEVEN AGES OF MAN. 

I. 

At first, the mewling infant 

In a baby-carriage neat, 
That is trundled by a nurse-girl. 

As she flirts along the street. 

II. 

And then, the whining school-boy, 
Who is full of won'ts and can'ts, 

And therefore wears a sheepskin 
And seven pairs of pants. 

III. 

And then, the mournful lover. 
Who is always short on brains, 

And comes to serenade her 
And gets floured for his pains. 



108 SEVEK AGES OF MAN. 

IV. 

Next comes the gallant soldier. 
And I hasten to remind him 

There are other tunes to whistle 
Than the girl he left behind him. 



V. 

And then the Justice, humming: 
^^ Nature's done so much for me. 

That I sign myself ' yours truly ' 
With a very large J. P," 



VI. 

To the lean and slipper'd pantaloon 

The sixth age swiftly flies, 
And the family grieves to hear him 

Tell the most infernal lies 

About the men he killed in battle. 
And the weather he passed through. 

Of hot summers and cold winters, 
And the b'ars and deer he slew. 



SEVEN AGES OF MAN. 109 



YII. 



Drop the curtain to slow music 

On the final episode: 
*^ If I didn't nurse G. Washington, 

I hope I may be blowed!" 



OTHELLO AND DESDEMONA. 

^^ It is the cause, it is the cause!'' 

Exclaimed the angry Moor, 
And, stealing in on tiptoe. 

He locked the chamber-door. 

Alas! poor Desdemona, 

She recked not of her fate. 
But slumbered on serenely, 

And snored, I grieve to state. 

^^It is the cause, it is the cause! 

Yet FU not shed her blood, 
Nor scar that whiter skin of hers 

Than snow — FIl not, me Lud! 

^' And, finding neither scratch nor scar. 

The Coroner may say 
That this fair wench has shuffled off 

About the usual way. 



OTHELLO AKD DESDEMOKA. Ill 

^* balmy breath, balmy breath, 

That dost almost persuade 
The Goddess with the bandaged eyes 

To throw away her blade!" 

"Now, who is there? Othel-li-or 

"Aye, Desdemoni-a." 
^^ Wilt come to bed, my gentle lord?'^ 

"Hist, woman! did you pray?" 

^^ Alack! alas! my gentle Moor, 

What dost thou mean by that? 
I cannot for the life of me 

See what thou'rt driving at. " 

'^ If you bethink yourself, sweet wench, 

Of any crimes to date. 
Unreconciled to Heaven and grace, 

Solicit for them straight/ 

" Alas, my lord! what may you mean?" 

"Well, do it and be quick; 
For I hold thy life as lightly 

As a tinker's maledic. 



112 OTHELLO AND DESDEMONA, 

^' I've sealed a tow in Heaven, 
And repeatedly have swore. 

That I will not harbor woman 
Who'll deliberately snore." 

'^ good my lord, forgive me! 

I really did not know't." 
But he gathered up the pillows 

And rammed them down her throat. 



II. 
MISCELLANEOUS. 



CATILINE^S DEFIANCE. 

Short-Ha^d Keport of his Celebrated Speech 
IK THE EoMAK Senate. 

Mr. Speaker, 

I do not rise to waste the night in words; 

Let that plebeian on my right (Cicero) 

Blow his bazoo; ^tis not my trade. 

As I was brought up a blacksmith. 

But here I stand for right, for Koman right. 

Though none, it seems, dare stand 

To take a tilt with me. 

Ay, cluster there! cling to your masters, 

Judges, Eomans — slaves! His charge is false! 

And I demand an investigation. 

And ask the president of this body 

To appoint a committee 

And order the whitewash forthwith. 

But this I will avow, that I have scorned. 

And still do scorn, to hide my sense of wrong! 



114 catilike's defiance. 

Who brands me on the forehead, breaks my sword, 

Or lays the bloody scourge upon my back, 

Would perhaps like to try it on out in the back yard 

After the Senate adjourns! 

Banished, indeed! I thank you for it. 

As I intended to move out of town anyhow. 

I held some slack allegiance till this hour, 

But now my sword's my own, and I 

Would like to see the man that will 

Attempt to collect my city taxes for this year! 

Smile on, you bald-headed snipes of the valley! 

I scorn to count what feelings, withered hopes, 

Strong provocations, bitter, burning wrongs, 

I have within my heart's hot cells shut up, 

To leave you in your lazy dignities. 

But here I stand, and scoff you! here I fling 

Hatred and full defiance in your face! 

Your Consul's merciful — very; but if he 

Dares to touch a hair of Catiline, I will 

Knock him galley west and crooked, 

For Fm the best little man that walks 

The streets of this burg. 

Banished from Eome! What's banished but set free 

From daily contact with the things I loathe? 

Your organ-grinders on every street-corner; 



Catiline's defiance. 115 

Your citizens, packing plaster-of- Paris images 

Around on cellar doors, and trading them 

To our wives for our winter clothing! 

^^ Tried and convicted traitor!" Who says this? 

Let him show his head, and I'll bust it 

If it costs me forty dollars! 

I go; but not to leap the gulf alone. 

I go; but when I come, 'twill be the burst 

Of ocean in the earthquake — rolling back 

In swift and mountainous ruin. Ta-ta! 

You build my funeral-pile, but your best blood 

Shall quench its flame! Back, slaves! 

I have a return ticket in my vest pocket! 



RIENZrS ADDRESS TO THE ROMANS. 

I come not here to talk 

You to death with a long speech. 

You know too well the story of our thraldom. 

We are slaves! The bright sun rises 

In his course, and lights a race of slaves! 

He sets, even as a hen sets, and his 

Last beams fall on a slave! 

Not such as swept along by the 

Full tide of power, the conqueror led 

To crimson glory and undying fame; 

But base, ignoble slaves; slaves to a horde 

Of petty tyrants, feudal despots, lords, 

Rich in some dozen paltry villages — 

Bungtown, Jug Ridge, Rabbit Hash, 

Pittsburgh, and other places of like calibre — 

Strong in some hundred spearmen; only great 

In that strange spell — a name. 

Each hour, dark fraud. 

Open rapine, or protected murder 



EIEKZl'S ADDRESS TO THE ROMAIbfS. 117 

Cry out against them. But this very day 

An honest man, my neighbor Jones — 

There he stands — look at him free of charge. 

Now that you have the chance, 

For the time will come when I am dead 

When you can't gaze on an honest man. 

Except inside of a cage at a circus 

At twenty-five cents a gaze — 

This honest man, I say, was struck, 

Struck on the side of the head 

With a rotten orange, by one who 

Wore the badge of Ursini; because, forsooth, 

He tossed not high his ready cap in air. 

Nor lifted up his voice in servile shouts 

At the sight of that great ruffian! 

To tell you the great North American truth. 

This honest man, my neighbor, there he stands. 

Had but one ready cap to his name. 

And couldn't afford to take the chances 

Of tossing it high in air 

In a promiscuous crowd like that. 

And as for not lifting up his voice 

In servile shouts, he had a bad cold 

And couldn't have done it. 

Rouse, ye Romans! rouse, ye slaves! 



118 RIENZrS ADDEESS TO THE ROMANS. 

Have ye brave sons? Look in the next 

Fierce brawl to see them cutting sticks for Canada! 

Have ye fair daughters? Look to see them 

Live and elope with some miserable scamp 

That hasn't a red cent to his name! 

And yet this is Eome! 

And we are Eomans! why, in that 

Elder day, to be even a Eoman candle 

Was greater than a king! and once again — 

Hear me, ye walls, that echo to the tread 

Of either Brutus! once, again, I swear. 

The eternal city shall be free 

To do precisely as the City Council directs! 



SCENE FROM RICHELIEU. 

Richelieu. Follow this fair lady, rran9ois. 
(Find the boy a decent pair of pants, Marion.) 
Take my fleetest steed, the piebald that 
Stands in the box-stall on the left; 
Arm yourself to the teeth by placing 
An Arkansas toothpick in your boot; 
A packet will be given you, with orders — 
No matter what, whether the official returns 
From the bulldozed districts or the score 
Of a glass-ball shoot — 
The moment that your hand closes upon it 
Clutch it as you would a ten-dollar note. 
Which death alone can steal or ravish; set 
Spurs to your steed, and mark him close 
That he does not land you o'er his head; 
For a spur doth chafe his soul, and ofttimes, 
At the hint of one, will he stand 
With his heels against the sky 
Far fifteen minutes by the watch. 



120 SCENE FROM RICHELIEU. 

Stay, boy! you will find me 

Two short leagues hence, at Euelle, 

Whither I go to see a man 

On some business about some pigs. 

Young man, be blithe! for, note me, from the hour 

I grasp that packet, think your guardian star 

Eains fortune on you! 

Francois. If I fail — ? 

Richelieu, Fail? fail? 
In the lexicon of youth, which Fate reserves 
For a bright manhood— cloth $2.50, calf $5.00, 
A liberal discount to the trade — 
There's no such word as '' fail''! 
And besides, if you don't get there, I'll kick 
Your coat-tails through the crown of your hat! 



A SABBATH MORN IN THE COUNTRY. 

How still the morning of the hallowed day! 

Mute is the voice of rural labor, hushed 

The ploughboy's whistle and the milkmaid's song, 

And the wish is general that they might stay hushed. 

The scythe lies glittering in the dewy wreath 

Of tedded grass, with faded flowers. 

That yestermorn bloom'd waving in the breeze; 

And when the old man comes along 

And finds it there, he will startle the quiet 

Of the hallowed day with shouts and roars 

And takings on of one kind and another 

That will make a hired man sink into his boots. 

Sounds the most faint attract the ear — the hum 

Of early bee looking for some one to sting, 

The trickling of the mountain dew, glug, glug, 

Glug, gluggerty, gluggerty, glug, glug! 

The distant bleating, midway up the hill. 

Of the heart-broken goat when he first discovers 

That he cannot climb a tree! 



123 A SABBATH MOR:Nr IK THE COUKTRY. 

To him that wanders o'er the upland leas, 
With his shot-gun on his shoulder. 
The blackbird's note comes mellower from the dale. 
And sweeter from the sky the gladsome lark 
Warbles his heav'n-tuned song; the lulling brook 
Murmurs more gently down the deep-worn glen, 
While from yon roof whose curling smoke 
O'ermounts the mist, is heard, at intervals. 
The voice of psalms, the simple song of praise. 
And the hired girl swearing at the cook-stove! 



TELL'S REMARKS TO THE MOUNTAINS. 

Ye crags and peaks, I'm with you once again^ 

As you will obserye by glancing this way! 

Methinks I hear a spirit in your echoes 

Answer me, although I ain't sure of it. 

And bid your tenant welcome to his home. 

Because I haye always kept my rent 

Right up, as my receipts will show. 

Again! sacred forms, how proud you look! 

How high you lift your heads into the sky, 

Like a three-year-old colt at a county fair! 

Ye guards of liberty, as I remarked before, 

I'm with you once again! I call to you 

With all my voice; I hold my hands to you 

To show they still are free, — although, perhaps^ 

A little trayel-stained, — and bid ye 

Put'er thar! 

Scaling yonder peak, 

I saw an eagle wheeling near its brow 

O'er the abyss. Instinctiyely 



124 tell's remarks to the mouktain. 

I bent my bow; absorbed, he heeded not 

The death that threatened him. I couldn't shoot! 

'Twas Liberty! And, besides, I couldn't 

Get a good pop at him. 



NIGHT SOLILOQUY FROM BYRON. 

I will to rest, right weary of this revel. 
The gayest we have held for many moons, 
Excepting the German at Mrs. Smithkin's; 
And yet I know not why, it cheer'd me not. 
Unless it was my beastly fitting coat. 
And gloves ruptur'd at the thumbs. 

There came a heaviness across my heart 
Which, in the lightest movement of the dance. 
Oppressed me. 

F'rinstance, when I went down the middle 
With Miss Jones, of North Eighth Street, 
A damp, like death, rose o'er my brow; 
I strove to laugh the thought away. 
But added tenfold to my agony. 

So I have left the festival before 
It reached its zenith, and will now my pillow woo 
For thoughts more tranquil, or forgetfulness 
Of all things else except the blacksmith 
That made this claw-hammer, and sent it me 
0. 0. D. forty-five dollars! 



BYRON IN VENICE. 

I will try 
Whether the air will calm my spirits; ^tis 
A goodly night: the cloudy wind which blew 
From the Levant hath crept into his cave 
And pulled the cave in after him. 

What stillness! and what a contrast 
With the scene I have left, 
Where a great throng swayed and sang 
And loudly called for beer! 

All is gentle; naught 
Stirs rudely, but, congenial with the night, 
Whatever walks is gliding like a spirit. 
The tinkling of a vigilant guitar 
Of some sleepless lover to a wakeful mistress 
Is heard in the vicinity of the Joneses. 
A cautious opening of the casement shows 
He is not unheard; while the young hand, 



BYRON IN VENICE. 127 

Fair as the moonlight, of which it seems a part, 
So delicately white, it trembles in 
The act of opening the forbidden lattice, 
To let in his soft music — makes his heart 
Thrill like his lyre-strings at the sight — 
And then, with gentle gesture, she drops 
A sack of flour plump on his head! 



SCENE FROM ENOCH ARDEN. 

And that same morning oflBcers and men 

Took up a collection among themselves, . 

Pitying the lonely man, and gave it him; 

Then moving up the coast, they landed him 

In that harbor whence seven years before he sailed. 

Then Enoch spoke no word to any one, 

Not even thanking the officers and crew, 

But homeward— home — what home? had he a home? 

Down to the pool and narrow wharf he went. 
Seeking a tavern which of old he knew, 
Saying if it was still there. 
And kept by the same old party 
Who ran it seven years ago, he would 
Stop with him a few days, have 
His drinks hung up on the slate, 
And learn the lay of the land. 



SCEKE FROM ENOCH ARDEN". 129 

He thouglit it must have gone; but he was gone 
Who kept it; and his widow, Nancy Jones, 
Was sole proprietor, and stood behind the bar. 
A haunt of brawling seamen once, but now 
Business was dull and a stranger didn't 
Happen along once in two weeks. 
There Enoch rested silent many days, 
Mrs. Jones thinking him a wealthy sea-captain. 

The lady of the house was good and garrulous, 

Nor let him be, but, often breaking in. 

Told him, with other annals of the port — 

Not knowing Enoch, he was so brown, so bow'd — 

All the story of his family. 

His baby's death, his wife's growing poverty. 

How Philip Kay took a great interest in her. 

And sent her little ones to school. 

How they oft walked in the twilight. 

And the talk it raised; his long wooing her, 

Her slow consent, and marriage. 

And the birth of Philip's child. 

He seemed to take but passing interest 

In the tale; only when she closed, 

" Enoch, poor man, was cast away and lost,'' 



130 SCENE FROM ENOCH ARDEN. 

He, shaking his gray head pathetically, 
Repeated, muttering, ^^ Cast away and lost!" 
And, ^^Mrs. Jones, another whisky-sour!" 

But Enoch yearned to see her face again 
And know that she was happy. So the thought 
DroYe him forth when the dull November day 
Was growing duller twilight. By and by 
The ruddy square of comfortable light 
Far-blazing from the rear of Philip's house 
Allured him, and with beating heart he sang,. 
'' There's a light in the window for — Philip!" 

Philip's dwelling fronted on the street, 
The last house to landward, No. 205, 
Opposite the grain-elevator; but behind. 
With one small gate that open'd on the waste, 
Flourish'd a little garden square and wall'd. 
Enoch shunn'd the middle path and stole 
Up by the wall, behind the gooseberry bush, 
And looked in at the window. 

Now when the dead man came to life and saw 
His wife, his wife no more, and saw the babe. 
Here, yet not his, upon the father's knee. 



SCENE FROM EKOCH ARDEK. 131 

And all the apparent happiness and tranquillity. 
He therefore, turning softly like a thief, 
Crept to the gate, and open'd it, and closed. 
As lightly as a sick man's chamber door, 
Behind him, and came out upon the waste, 
Kemarking, '' If Philip's satisfied, ditto here,'' 
And straightway went and married Mrs. Jones. 



A NEW GINEVRA. 

She was an only child, her name Ginevra 

Alexandrina Blanche Clarissa Jones, 

And in her fifteenth year became a bride, 

Marrying an only son, Francisco Doria, 

To whom her parents betrothed her at her birth. 

His father being well heeled with prospects excellent. 

Great was the joy; but at the nuptial feast, 

The viands being on the table smoking. 

And all sat down, the bride herself was wanting, 

Nor was she to be found! Her father cried, 

" Alexandrina Blanche Clarissa, come to dinner 

This minute, or you won't get a bite!" 

And filled his glass to all, but his hand shook 

A great deal more than usual, 

And soon from guest to guest the panic spread. 

'Twas but that instant she had left Francisco, 
Laughing, and looking back, and flying still. 
Her ivory tooth imprinted on his finger, 



A NEW Gi:t^EVKA. 133 

Where she had bitten him, in turn for pinching her. 
But now, alas! she was not to be found; 
Nor from that hour could anything be guessed, 
But that she was not there! 

Weary of his life, JFrancisco 

Flew to St. Louis and was sun-struck; 

The father lived, and long might you have seen 

An old man wandering as in quest of something. 

When he was gone the house remained awhile 

Silent and tenantless. 

Then was sold at sheriffs sale. 

And went to strangers. 

Full fifty years had past, and all forgotten, 
When on a day, a day of cleaning house, 
An old chest was noticed, and 'twas said, 
^^ Why not remove it from its lurking-place. 
And scrub behind it?" 

'Twas done as soon as said, but on the way 
It burst, it fell; and lo! a parchment. 
Upon which in trembling hand was wi'itten: 
" Francisco Doria may be a very nice boy; 
But not my style is he. I long have loved 



134 A NEW GIKEVRA. 

Another — Algernon K. Duzenberry, 

Who even now is waiting for me 

With a coach and four 

At the corner of John and Market Streets. 

So please excuse haste and a gold pen. 

Yours truly, Ginevra/^ 



ni. 
EXTRACTS FROM THE NEW INFERNO. 



PUNISHMENT OF HYPOCRITES. 

Argument, 

Enraged demons pursue Dante, but he is preserved from 
them by Virgil. On reaching the Sixth Gulf, he beholds 
the punishment of the Hypocrites; which is, to pace con- 
tinually round a tow-path encircling the Gulf under pres- 
sure of caps and hoods that are gilt on the outside and 
fair to look upon as spring bonnets, but leaden within, 
and each as heavy as a keg of nails is. 

The demons had let a little up, 
And in silence and in solitude we went. 
One first, the other following in his steps. 
Like geese journeying to a mill-pond. 

The present fray had turn'd my thoughts to muse 
Upon old ^sop's fable, where he told 
What fate unto the frog and mouse befell, 
Wherein the frog had offered the mouse to carry 
Across a ditch for two dollars and a half, 
With the intention of drowning it, 



138 PUNISHMENT OF HYPOCKITES, 

When both were carried off by a kite. 

Thus I reason'd: ^^ These through us haye been 

So foil'd^ with loss and mockery complete, 

As needs must make them feel full cheap. 

If anger then be to their evil will conjoined. 

More fell they shall pursue us 

Than the savage meat-hound snatches 

The jack-rabbit panting 'twixt his jaws. 



99 



Already I perceived my hair run cold, 
And my blood with terror stand on end. 

^^ Teacher," I thus began me, ^^if speedily 
Thyself and me thou hide not, much I dread 
Those snoozers enraged. Even now 
Quick imagination works so forcibly that feel 
I them snatching at my coat-tails." 

He answered to effect that he would 

Me see through my jaunt, and come out 

Of it I should with head erect, even 

As a two-year-old colt from a pasture-field. 

Not had he spoke his purpose to the end 

When in the depth we saw a painted tribe 

Who paced in tardy steps around, and wept. 



PUI^ISHMEl^T OF HYPOCKITES. 139 

The while drops of sweat rolled 

Adown their sunken cheeks prodigious. 

Caps they had on, with hoods, that fell low down 

Before their eyes, in fashion like to none 

That I had e'er beheld in Boston. 

The outside of this head-dress queer 

Was overlaid with gold, dazzling to view, 

But leaden all within, and of such weight 

That church steeples for caps, 

Compared with these, were summer straws 

With blue bands. everlasting wearisome attire! 

We to leftward turned, hearing their dismal 

Moan, whence I my guide addressed: 

^^ Wilt thou be kind enough to find 

Some spirit 'mongst them Avhose name 

May by his deeds be known, and to that 

End keep thou thine eye well peel'd.'* 

Then one, who understood United States, 

Cried after us aloud: " Pause with your feet. 

Ye who so swift speed through the region terrible," 

And then with forced wit, added: " And see 

That thou keep'st off the grass!" 

Whereat my leader, turning, me bespake: 

'' Pause, and then onward at their pace proceed; 



140 PUNISHMENT OF HYPOCRITES. 

Perchance from him thou shalt 

Obtain a good item for your newspaper." 

I stay'd, and saw two spirits in whose look 
Impatient eagerness of mind was mark'd 
To OYcrtake me; but the caps they wore 
Seem'd as the wheel of a freight- car 
About their necks, which, with the 
Narrow path, their approach retarded. 

Soon as arrived, they with an eye askance 
Perused me, when one, puffing and perspiring 
Like a colored man at an election, 
Bespake me thus: ^' Stranger, who visitest 
The college of the Mourning Hypocrites, 
Disdain not to register thy name — 
That is, to instruct us who thou art." 
'' My name is Moriarity," I thus replied, 
'' In Hoboken I was bred and grew; 
But who are ye, from whom such mighty grief 
As now I witness coursing down your cheeks? 
What torment breaks forth in this bitter woe?" 

" Our bonnets gleaming bright with orange hue," 
One of them answer'd, '' that look so light and airy, 



PUNISHMENT OF HYPOCRITES. 141 

Are so leaden gross within that with their weight 

They make our joints crack beneath, and 

Ofttimes think we they'd sink a ship. 

And wonder they do not telescope our spines, 

Or drive us into the earth like spiles. 

Two gay and festive gentlemen we were* 

Of New Jersey natives; Rev. Bilkins I, 

He Francisco named. I sorrow now 

To say it, but neither of us were 

What we seemed unto our neighbors.'' 

Then turning hence his quivering frame, 

He cried aloud: ^' Beware our hapless fate; 

I a vision had that after death 

We would be doom'd to wear a weary sort of hat, 

But, like the boy that shot his little sister. 

We didnH know it was loaded r 



THE MONSTER GERYON. 

*^Lo! the fell monster with the four-hoss stinger, 
Who passes mountains, breaks through fenced walls 
And firm-embattled spears, as if there wasn't 
A policeman in the world/' Thus me my guide 
Address'd, and beckon'd him to come ashore 
Near to the stony causeway's utmost edge. 

Forthwith that image yile appear'd — 

A cross betwixt a sea-serpent and a nightmare, 

His face the semblance of a defeated 

Politician bore, the rest was serpent all; 

Seventeen shaggy claAvs reached to the armpits. 

And the back and breast and either side 

Were painted o'er with nodes and orbits: 

Colors yariegated more than Turks or Tartars 

Or a country girl at a circus 

With an eye alone and single to the 

Beautiful, ever wore, now hear ye me! 

On the rim that fenced the sand with rock 



THE MOITSTER GERYOK. 143 

Sat perch'd this fiend of evil, this Geryon, 
Which could on land or water live. 
And by a simple twist of the wrist 
Convert himself into a ferry-boat, an air-ship, 
An elevated railway car or a steam wagon. 
There sat he, his tail upturned, its venomous 
Fork with sting like scorpion's arm'd, which, 
According to circumstance, he for a 
Kudder used, a pinch-bar, or what-not. 

Then thus my guide: ^^ Proceed our steps we must 

Far as to that ill beast who crouches there/^ 

'' Great General Jackson!'^ spake I up amaz'd, 

^' I feel me, man, like turning tail 

And putting distance vast betwixt me 

And that object terrible. " My fears not 

Heeding, my guide already seated on the 

Haunch of the fierce animal I found; 

And thus he me encouraged: '' Be thou stout; 

Be bold; another reef take in the strap 

Of thy pantaloons, and keep a stiff upper lip. 

Mount thou before, brave as a boy 

Going to mill; for, that no power 

The tail may have to harm thee, 

I will sit me on the quarter-deck.'^ 



144 THE MONSTER GEKYOK. 

As one who hath an ague fit so near 
His nails already are turned blue, and he 
His body moyeth up behind the kitchen stove, 
And shaketh all oyer until the chair to which he 
Clings danceth a hornpipe on the oaken floor — 
Such was my cheer at hearing of his words. 

But the sense which makes the servant 

Bold in presence of his lord came o'er me. 

And I settled me upon those shoulders huge. 

And would have said, but that words to aid 

My purpose came not, ^'For love of Heaven, 

Clasp me firm, lest this dread beast 

Buck like a California mule and shoot 

Me to the moon." Soon as I was mounted. 

Me embracing, spoke my guide to Geryon: 

^^N"ow stir thy stumps; be thy wheeling gyres 

Of ample circuit, and get us there 

In some kind of style; if thou cast 

A shoe, slip the eccentric, blow out a cylinder-head 

Or burst a flue, then this be the last 

Excursion party you carry for yours truly, 

And don't you forget it.". As a vessel. 

Backing out from land, her station quits, 

So thence the monster loosed, pulled in 



THE MOKSTER GERYOI^. 145 

The gang-plank; and when he felt himself 

At large, back'd her on the starboard 

Wheel, turn'd round, filled the furnaces 

With coal, fix'd the pumps, threw off the brakes, 

Took the bit in his teeth, and gathering 

The air up with his retractile claws, 

Nor stopped nor stayed he until the 

Next station was reached, when he called out 

Gayly, ^' Purgatory! fiye minutes for refreshments!'' 



CHARON. 

Then looking farther onward, I beheld 

A throng upon the shore of a great stream 

Which recalled a colored picnic on the Tombigbec, 

Whereat spake I to my guide up thus: 

*' My gazelle gentle, grant me now to know 

Whom here we view, and whence impell'd they seem 

So eager to press o'er, as I discern 

Through the blear light?" He thus to me: 

^' This shalt thou know, soon as our steps arrive 

Beside the woful tide of Acheron." . 

Then with eyes downcast and filFd with shame, 
Fearing I too fresh had been. 
Uttering words offensive to his ear. 
Till we had reached the river 
I curbed my eager chin. 

Then lo! toward us in a John-boat 

Comes on an old man, hoary, white with eld. 



CHARON. 147 

Whom I imagined was the Inhabitant oldest, 

And forthwith got me in my mental armor 

To hear him spin his tale 

Of summers hot or winters cold 

In the bygone days; or how, one time. 

He outran the Columbia crew with the 

Miserable scow in which he then appeared. 

But no; he cried: ^' Woe to you, wicked spirits! 
Hope not ever to see the sky again. I come — '^ 
^^ So we perceive,^' I spoke me gayly up. 
And would have further utter'd, but my 
Guide raised a finger, cautioning; 
'^ I come," continued the old party in the skiff, 
^^ To take you to the other shore across 
Into eternal darkness, there to dwell 
In fierce heat, as in Cincinnati!" 

It was Charon, the grim boatman, 
Who runs the ferry at that point. 
And, as he backed his scow ashore. 
He unto an imaginary crew cried out: 
^^ Lively, now, with that gang-plank!" 
And then to us: ^^ Get aboard^ get aboard !^^ 
And naught had we to do but swift obey. 



THE LAWYER AND THE BOOK-AGENT. 

My lofty Tragedy doth now unfold of those 
We met within the seventh circle of the College 
For the Entertainment of the Everlastingly Dog- 
goned. 

The emaciated shade upon the left, who, 

With head low bent and aspect rueful, 

Treads, with smoking heel, the hissing floor. 

Loud muttering at intervals, ^^ Another lap, 

And yet a million miles to go 

Before my weary journey is begun, ^' 

A lawyer was who urged a man 

To bring a suit for assault with battery 

Intent, and carry the same hopefully 

Erom Court to Court, until he had 

Made the grand and awful rounds 

From the Justice of the Peace to the Court 

Supreme, and lost every time his case, 

Including four thousand dollars. 



THE LAWYER AND THE BOOK-AGEKT. 149 

His character and his wife, who ever after 
Refused to recognize in him her lord, 
And went straightway back to her mother. 

Our friend beyond, who beats his breast 

Like Philomel against the thorn, and lifts . 

His voice in anguish up, and cries, ^^ Ah me!" 

A book-agent was, and terrible. 

Who prowling went from house to house 

Selling the '' Hlustrated History of the 

South African Soap Mines," in seven 

Hundred parts, one part a month, half cash. 

Half calf or full morocco binding. 

And the other half when the work is completed; 

Fine line engravings by the best artists. 

Cost you less than a cent a month, 

Et cetera, and so forth, and so on. 

He too late repented, and now 

Oh see him dance, and hear him 

Weep and wail and gnash his teeth, 

And offer seventy-five dollars for a 

Dish of ice-cream and a fan! 

The way of the transgressor is hot. 



SERPENTS OF THE INFERNO. 

We from the bridge's head descended. 
Having cross'd and fix'd the matter of our toll; 
And then, the chasm opening to our view, 
I saw a mass withm of serpents terri«ble. 
There to my startled gaze appeared boas from 
Seventeen to seven hundred feet in length, 
Garter-snakes with monogram buckles. 
Sea-serpents ten times larger than e'er appeared 
In the dream of a watering-place correspondent, 
Copperheads, blacksnakes, green snakes, hoopsnakes, 
Snakes ring'd, streak'd and strip'd, rattlesnakes 
More terrible with rattles than a farmer honest 
Ever in his blackberry patch discovered. 
There were billions upon billions of them, 
Writhing, hissing, fighting, so strange m shape 
And hideous, that remembrance in my veins 
Yet shrinks the vital current. Of her sands 
Let Lybia vaunt no more, for here were 
A thousand snakes to every grain, or 



SEEPENTS OF THE INFERKO. 151 

My Inferno a summer resort shall be! 

Amid this dread exuberance of woe 

Ean naked spirits wing'd with horrid fear, 

Nor hope had they of ereyice where to hide. 

But ran they naked as new-born babes, 

With no one within a thousand miles to giye 

Them clothes, and not a cent in their pockets! 

With serpents were their hands behind them bound, 

And nasty, slimy, writhing, hissing reptiles 

Were on their naked necks for neckties! 

And lo! on one, a fair young creature 

Near to our side, darted an adder up. 

And where the neck is on the shoulders placed 

Transpierced him! Far more quickly than e'er pen 

Wrote or I, or uttered tongue Jack Robinson, 

He kindled, burned and changed 

To ashes all; pour'd out upon the earth, 

Like a hired girl dumping them from a coal-scuttle. 

Where there dissolved he lay, the dust again 

TJproird spontaneous, and the self-same 

Son of a gun of a serpent instant resumed! 

That moment henceforth swore off I, 
Nor haye I snakes seen since. 



AN INFERNO FOREST. 

Argument. 

Still in the Seventh Circle, Dante and the guide enter the 
second compartment, which contains those who have 
committed suicide and those who have violently con- 
sumed their goods and got away with their wealth; the 
first are changed into rough and knotted trees; and of 
these have we to speak. 

We entered on a forest, where no track 

Of steps had worn a way. Not yerdant there 

The foliage, as on Euclid Avenue; not light 

The boughs and tapering, but with knots deformed. 

So that the timber which there grew 

Was nothing fit but for the manufacture 

Of laurel-root pipes, pegging-awl handles 

And perchance croquet-mallets. 

Fruits there were none; not a fruit; 

A dried apple you could not have bought, 

In all that region, for love or shekels. 



AX IKFERNO FOREST. 153 

So matted were the trees that reminded was I 

Of the forest black of which an aged hunter 

Told me. '' The trees/' said Nimrod^ '^ were so closely 

planted 
That not above sixteen inches did they 
.Grow apart." Further along continued he: 
^^ Through this forest terrible I a deer did chase, 
Whose horns majestic were six feet across." 
Then spake I up thus: ^^Pray, how pass'd 
The deer with antlers six feet from 
Tip to tip, among trees that grew but 
Inches sixteen one from the other?" 
A moment full he scratched his aged chin, 
And made reply: ''How pass'd he through? 
Humph! that was his own lookout!" 

My theme pursuing: Here the brute harpies 
Make their nest, the same who from the 
Strophades the Trojan band drove howling 
With dire boding of their future woe, as if 
A bumble-bee's nest they had uncovered; 
Nor with less hun^ied steps did they depart. 

My guide said he: '' Know thou art now 

I' th' second round, and shalt be till thou come 



154 AN INFERNO FOREST. 

Upon the horrid pitch and fire where they are 
Laying a new pavement on Fifth Ayenue. 
Look therefore Tvell around thee, and such 
Things thou shalt behold free of charge 
As thou neyer in a circus gazed upon. 

On all sides I heard wof ul sounds 

And cursing stupendous, and none could see 

From whom they might have issued. My guide 

Believed that I had thought so many noises 

Came from a politician making a speech 

Amid those thickets close conceard 

And so spake he: ^^ If thou lop off 

A single twig from one of those ill trees, 

The thought thou hast conceived shall vanish quite." 

Thereat a little stretching forth my hand. 

From a gnarled stump gathered I a branch, 

And straight the stump replied: 

^^Lookee here, stranger, why pluck^st thou me?" 

And then as all amaze I stood 

The while my teeth knocked together 

And my knees chattered, these words it added: 

^^ Wherefore tear'st me thus, I say? Let a little up 

On thy rashness, else will thy bald head 



Ay^ INFERK^O FOREST. 155 



Not save thee from being flopped over 
The greensward like a flail upon a 
Threshing-floor, until not enough flesh 
Is on thy bones left to bait a rat-trap T' 



A THRILLING EPISODE. 

Then frozen in the valley a million faces 

I beheld, made black with cold, the mercury being 

Seven hundred and fifty degrees below zero. 

As I was shivering in the eternal shade, 
And kicking my toes against a substance hard 
To keep them warm, I looked me down, 
Attracted thither by a wrathful voice, 
And discovery made that I was kicking 
On the ribs of one who there lay prone. 

Weeping, he growled: '' Great Jehoshaphat, 
Look a little out! Unless thou hither come 
Our torment to increase, why molest me? 
Quick answer make, and satisfactory, 
Or business wilt thou have upon thy hands, 
0, by the gods!" Then up spake I to him. 
Who still was uttering loud blasphemy 
Like to a man who had his finger cracked 



A THRILLIKG EPISODE. 157 

While driving nails with a borrowed hatchet: 
*^ Who art thou that thus givest up lip?'' 

But more lip, and savage, gave he up thus: 
*^ Take thyself hence, or trouble wilt thou see, 
Bigger than a free fight at a circus!'^ 

Then by the scalp behind I seized upon him. 
Saying in accents mild: ^^It must needs be 
Thou dost not chirp again, lest a disaster 
Appalling happen to the hair of thy head." 

Then he to me gave vituperate tongue: 
^^ Though thou strip off my every living hair, 
Thou art a sea-cook and a son of a gun!" 
I had his locks in hand already twisted, 
And before you could say, ^^Lo, and behold!" 
He was the baldest-headed snipe in the valley. 



DANTE RECOGNIZES A FRIEND. 

There's a place within the Regions of the Lost 
Caird Pittsburgh, all of rock dark-stain'd 
And smoke begrimed. Eight in the midst 
Of that abominable region yawns 
A spacious gulf profound, whence 
Flames come crackling forth. 

On our right hand new misery I saw, 

New pains, new executioners of wrath. 

Below were naked sinners with torments rack'd. 

Each diverse way, along the grisly rock, 

Horn'd demons I beheld, with whips 

Bigger than an ox-driyer's lash. 

With a ten-penny nail for a snapper. 

That on their backs unmercifully smote. 

Ah! how jump those sinners at the first whack! 

None for the second wait, nor for the third! 

Meantime, as on I gazed, one met my sight. 
Whom soon as view'd, ^^ Of him,'' cried I, ^^ not yet 



DAI^TE RECOGKIZES A FRIEKD. 159 

Mine eye hath had its fill. Metliinks 
In Illinois I once did know that party.'' 

Therefore stayed I my feet to scan him 

To make me sure I was not mistaken. 

Observing which^ the tormented spirit, 

Who thought to hide him, bent his yisage down, 

But haying no hat to pull oyer his eyes 

It availed him naught; for I exclaimed: 

'' Thou who dost hang thy head 

Like a sneak-thief, casting upon the ground thine eye, 

Unless thy features do belie thee much 

Bob IngersoU art thou. What brings thee 

Unto this bitter seasoning?" He essay'd 

To make reply, when a demon with a thong 

Fetched him one across the shoulders. 

Exclaiming: ^^I told thee once before to curb 

Thy chin. Away to thy blistering tread-mill, 

Nor leave it once again until corns are on the 

Soles of thy feet as big as goose-eggs!" 



SATAN'S SOLILOQTJY, 

^^ Is this the region, this the soil, the clime,'* 

Said the lost archangel; *^this the seat 

That we must change for heaven, this mournful 

gloom 
For that celestial light? It strikes me 
It's pretty hot here, and I doubt 
If there be an ice-cream saloon in 
The place, which to me looks more like 
A rolling-mill in full blast than 
Anything else I have seen lately. 
But be it so. Farewell, happy fields, 
Where joy forever dwells! Hail, horrors! hail. 
Infernal world ! and thou, prof oundest hell, 
Eeceive thy new possessor, who hath bought 
Out the whole establishment, and got 
The receipt in his pocket! Lively, now, 
Ye murky imps, and fetch me a linen 
Duster, a fan, a tank of mint-julep 
And fourteen straws, that I may suck up 



Satan's soliloquy. 161 

Comfort from tlie vasty deep, for I haven't 

Had such a consuming thirst in a month. 

Here at least I shall be free! Here 

I may reign secure and exclaim with 

Old Selkirk: ^I am monarch of all I 

Survey, my right there is none to dispute.' 

But wherefore let we then our friends on earth — 

The politicians, the presidents of saving-banks. 

And all the associates and coparceners of our loss — 

Lie thus astonished in the oblivious pool, 

And call them not to share with us their part 

In. this mansion that hath the best heating apparatus 

Of any I ever saw? Oh no, indeed! 

Put in new puddling furnaces! Lay a 

Six-inch pipe-line sti-aight from the oil country, 

Prom wliich region of the blest 

We will get a pressure of sixty thousand 

Pounds to the square inch, and all the fuel 

We want for fifteen cents a barrel; 

And, in the mean time, order another dozen 

Barges of coal and turpentine, 

And charge the same to me!" 



Passing / saio my book of rhymes 
Lying neglected on her knees ; 

And so I said/' I'll just drop in 
And chat awhile with fair Louise.** 

For she was fair as Helen was^ 
And, then, Ilovedher tenderly; 

Her voice was soft as turtle dove's. 
Her ivhite arms tapered slenderly. 

I bent above her upturned face; 

And should you wish to question why- 
Perhaps to 2uhisper something low 

Of lovers comi^ig through the rye. 

Her breath Vd drank a hundred times, 
And kneio it was as sweet as wine; 

But oh ! her breath that afternoon 
Was rarer than a breath divine. 

It was a hint of heaven to me; 

And so I said, Jiist then I saw. 
Concealed behind my last bouquet, 

A half -sipped julep and a straw. 



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